


Heart of the Lion [in the Belly of the Beast]

by onefootonego (startingXI)



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Canon Typical Violence, Gen, sanvers on the side, serious angst, tw: mentions of extreme violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-03
Updated: 2017-03-07
Packaged: 2018-09-28 01:42:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10063124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/startingXI/pseuds/onefootonego
Summary: don't fear what you can't see[or: a new enemy threatens to rip apart kara's family from the inside out]





	1. a quiet night in

**Author's Note:**

> title taken from _the lion the beast the beat_ from grace potter and the nocturnals.

there is balance. 

finally. 

right now, you have what feels like balance. between supergirl and reporting and having what might be called a social life, it almost feels normal. or what normal would be if you weren’t on call to protect an entire city at a moment's notice. game night is struggling, but movie night, movie night is your sanctum of normalcy. 

more often than not, between you and Alex, someone is nursing bruises. fighting aliens hasn't been getting any easier. and in your case it's lead to depleted abilities via overexerting yourself. which is basically the same as bruising, just your whole body, and worse. 

or that's what you tell Alex, in your sweetest ‘i’m your little sister and you love me’ voice. you love to see the way she melts just a little bit, while also rolling her eyes, but you know she will always be your big sister. plus she knows that, but with the alien ass-kicking, and the romantic revelations on her part, time for the two of you is rare. time for her to do normal big sister things, like give you the last potsticker, is even rarer. 

so you smile at her happily when she begrudgingly passes you the last of the ice cream, and repay her by volunteering to get the door when the takeout arrives. 

your building is locked, so getting the take out requires putting on shoes, taking the elevator all the way down, and greeting hakeem at the door. he’s twenty something, and the one who usually delivers when you're feeling like pizza, so basically you see him at least once a week. sometimes more. 

he’s charming and courteous as always, promising he delivered yours first, and you ask about his boyfriend. hakeem is telling you all about how he’s going to propose when the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. you smile through the last of his explanation, demanding to know how it all goes, and tip well. but your mind isn't in it. 

you watch hakeem drive away safely, his still broken tail light disappearing around the corner. which leaves you standing there, in the doorway, listening. something isn't right. 

what that is exactly, you can't place. you step onto the sidewalk, listening more intently. the city sounds normal, chaotic on a weekday night. there are the footsteps of passers by and then, there, you see the movement of the gun through the air moments before the cool press of the barrel against the nape of your neck. 

it's bold, considering there are cameras are there. yet, you realize you may be just outside their line of sight. an advantage for you both. 

[you don't sigh, but you want to. you had wanted to watch a movie tonight, not deal with this] 

“give me your money.” 

at least it's an old fashioned stick up. 

“i don't have any.” you tell him, which is the truth. you don't carry your wallet down to tip the delivery guy. 

“then we can go up to your apartment and get some.” 

that is almost laughable, he's picked the wrong person to mug, pair really if you include bringing him to where Alex can see the gun against your head. problem in all of this is that close range bullets like the one you would take to the neck would still do damage of some kind. you're only working at about ninety percent full kryptonian capacity, and you don't want to figure out what happens when you get shot like that. 

[it wouldn't kill you. probably.] 

so, upstairs it must be. you feel the press of your keys against your hip, take a breath as the gun digs further into your spine “okay,” your voice is steady “please don't hurt me.” you let just a hint of panic sweep your plea, trying to keep him from thinking he's being lead into an ambush. 

you're not really afraid. [mostly]

the idea of bringing him near Alex isn't great, but you have a plan. you just hope Alex catches on. 

the elevator is empty, luckily, and you feel the muggers hand grip, with what would be bruising fashion on a human. good thing you're not human, not totally. the elevator doors slide open and you guide him out the door, down the hall. mostly you're hoping that none of your neighbors appear, despite the gun now pressing uncomfortably into your ribs and this may pass off as some sort of casual walk back to your apartment. 

“i don't have keys.” you say, “my sister is inside. she’ll listen. you don't have to hurt her.” 

this may be more than the mugger expected, but he jabs the gun viscously into your side “she tries anything and i’ll shoot you.” 

you nod, bringing a hand to knock on the door “hey, it's me, I left my keys at the lab remember?” 

there's a pause, then, muffled “coming.” 

the door swings open, Alex standing there, masking a look of concern. the moment she's in view, you feel the gun leave your aching ribs and know it's pointed at her. 

“back up. don't make a sound.” 

you lock eyes with Alex, know her gun is tucked into her pants, know you both will seize the moment. if it wouldn't be obvious, you would let out the sigh of relief curled in your chest, it seems that Alex has picked up on your plan. 

“whatever you want.” she says, and her voice wavers convincingly. 

the door shuts. 

the lock hitches into place and that's your cue. you see the muggers arm in your periphery, extended over your shoulder, shaking slightly. it's the perfect position to break his elbow. 

which you do. 

the gun clatters to the floor. screams of pain echo from the man and you follow up your momentum by hauling him over your shoulder, slamming him into your entryway floor. he groans. you feel proud of yourself, Alex taught you that. 

Alex has kicked aside the foreign gun, using her own to keep the man where he is. 

“call the cops.” she tells you. 

so much for a quiet movie night in. 

\-- 

by the time all ncpd personnel are gone, your pizza is cold. and, you don't even feel like watching fast and furious seven. 

[you don't feel like much of anything, besides food.] 

“i want chinese.” you announce, closing the door after thanking the arresting officer. 

“you really want delivery after that?” alex asks, picking up a slice of cold pizza and starting on it. 

“well,” you grumble “it’s not like i had all of my powers, or else i would have handled him.” 

“you played it smart, didn't risk getting seriously injured.” 

yeah, yeah. you know that. bringing up the code from college that meant ‘i have some creep i can't shake’ was probably your best plan of action, but still. it's getting late, so a double header movie night is probably out of the question and - 

Alex’s phone goes off. 

she takes one look and “it’s maggie.” 

you wave her on, picking up two slices and moving to the couch. it doesn't lend her any actual privacy, but you're making the effort. 

still, her half of the conversation is easy to overhear. 

“hey," her voice is soft, the descent from the adrenaline of the night weighing down on her shoulder "yeah, i’m okay. kara is too." there's a pause, you could probably listen to maggie's side of things if you wanted, but again - in the name of this privacy, you don't "kara is actually the one who disarmed him.” alex says, piquing your interest, but 

you roll your eyes. you can imagine the flutter of surprise across maggie's face. there is the whole ‘maggie doesn't know that you're supergirl’ aspect to their relationship. so of course it would be natural for maggie to expect Alex to be the one disarming muggers. 

Alex is gentle "kara and i are going to salvage movie night." pause, you can practically hear the soft smile in her voice "see you tomorrow.” 

whatever maggie says in return leaves Alex smiling beyond anything you've ever seen someone else provoke. she slides the phone back into her back pocket. on the counter is her gun. it shines in the dark and she catches your eye line. 

it's not that you're afraid of it, it's just a reminder of the pseudo-normalcy you thought you had. emphasis on _thought_ , all it took was a muggers gun to shift that balance. 

“have you picked a movie?” Alex asks, depositing the gun into the home safe hidden in a corner, but you're not ready to let that smile go - it's far brighter than the unsteady feeing you're ignoring. 

“how's your girlfriend?” 

you know her name, you just also know you enjoy seeing the way Alex's eyes crinkle in a broader smile when you call maggie her girlfriend. 

“she was just checking in, heard your address over the scanner and wanted to make sure we were okay.” 

“she knows my address?” you tease. 

“i do spend a significant amount of time here.” 

fair point. 

“have you thought about,” you start “now that she's officially been your girlfriend, telling her about me?”

me meaning supergirl. and supergirl being her sister. and not just because she's dating Alex, but because maggie comes to crime scenes and the deo and honestly she's probably going to find out sooner or later, so why not just make it sooner. 

however, there's hesitation there “Kara,” Alex says, voice soft. 

and you know that her pause isn't born from mistrust. it resonates from that desire, that need, to protect you. to keep you safe. she will risk her whole heart with maggie, but you, your identity, your safety, she won't. 

“she's going to figure it out one way or another.” that much is true. 

“i know.” Alex sighs, taking another slice of pizza “but if we break up, or something, i don't want to risk you.” 

“i think,” you say in measured words “that even if you two ended badly, maggie wouldn't out me. she understands too much what it could do to me.” 

that is your final opinion on it, as close to telling maggie yourself as you will get. this is Alex's secret and therefore you have to let her handle it. she's never come close to telling anyone before, not someone she's dated. and even then, this is because the risk of Alex, or you, emotionally revealing yourselves doing deo work is nearly guaranteed. you think, when the time comes, it will also be about more than just workplace convenience. it will be about Alex trusting, Alex not holding herself back from someone. you want her to have that. 

not to mention, it's better to be upfront sooner, rather than later. Alex will have to tell maggie eventually. 

not tonight though, you can see Alex chewing her lip, worrying it over. this is sister movie night, for just the two of you. it's the only thing that feels constant in your life, besides the fact that you don't get enough sleep and snapper doesn't like you. 

so you flip the remote into her lap “pick something, but i’m not watching the exorcist.” 

you will watch that movie once a year, upon the conditions of it being daylight and alex sleeps over after. 

there is an appreciative smile from Alex, the worry fading for now as she flips through your shared netflix queue. 

she's queuing up inside out when your phone goes off. even though it's in do not disturb, winn has called through anyway. 

you pick up “winn, it’s” 

_“turn on the news.”_ he says without preamble or introduction. 

you gesture for the remote, already feeling that familiar anticipation creep in your veins. you switch to cable and it takes less than a second to see what winn is so desperate to tell you. 

your stomach drops. you hang up on winn. 

live video footage of smoking buildings, headlines scrolling across the bottom of the screen 

**superman on destructive rampage in metropolis**

you watch, horrorstruck as a figure that is undeniably your cousin, swoops across the screen and straight into a public bus, scoops it into his arms - you feel bile rise in your throat as he launches it at a wall. it explodes seconds later. 

“kara,” Alex is saying, standing with you. 

“i have to go.” you tell her “i’m - i'm the only one who can stop him.” 

the only one who can stop him without killing him. 

“can you?” she asks, beyond worried when she meets your gaze. 

you shrug, you don't know honestly. but you have to try. 

“i have to go.” 

Alex nods, watching you shed clothes to reveal supergirl beneath. it's your second skin these days. 

“wait,” she says, walking over to the black box she keeps under tv, for her xbox you had assumed. what she comes back with is not an xbox, it's a neural inhibitor “wear this. we don't know what's happened to him, but if something has his mind…” she trails off. 

there will be a question about this later, for now you pull her into a tight hug, letting her slip the inhibitor on “i love you.” she says, her phone already going off. 

“i love you.” you return, knowing every second you wait here is a second kal-el continues the destruction


	2. trending worldwide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mid-air tackling superman is one of the most painful things you have ever experienced.

you have never flown so fast. never felt so much fear twist in your stomach as you approach the plume clouds of billowing smoke that is downtown metropolis. you hover there, in the air, waiting for a sign of your cousin. 

he is a flash at first, his cape scarlet and nearly invisible in the dark. you have better eyes, and turn to follow. you have options, drive him out of metropolis, away from people. or, surprise, try not to hurt him too much getting him unconscious, and take him to the deo. 

your decision is made when you see him heading for a hospital. finding an extra gear, the blocks sail past you. you prepare yourself for impact, this will, definitely, hurt. 

and it does. oh it does. 

mid-air tackling superman is one of the most painful things you have ever experienced. arms wrapped around him, it takes several blocks to come to a grinding halt. and even then, there is nothing to say this fight is over. 

when you see your cousin's face, you see it is, and isn't, him. there's something in his eyes that’s not right. something that isn't red kryptonite, something you've never seen before. you know this is going to get ugly, and painful. 

you punch him, with everything you've got, and the blow barely shakes him. you're on your back, skidding across concrete in a second, he's walking towards you, stalking you. 

“kal,” you shout “this isn't you!” 

he sneers. shakes his head. spits words in a language you don't understand. you know then the neural implant has probably saved you, and the world. 

he, this imposter of kal-els body, is coming for you. 

this is not your cousin, you have to remind yourself of that. the kal-el you know and love has been lost, lost to something. you are hoping it is only temporary, but right now you have to stop him, no matter what. no matter how painful. 

you face off against him, deciding how you would fight yourself. how you would take yourself down. 

his windup. the same weakness Alex exploited in you that very first time. to seize that moment is your best chance. 

which means letting him get close. which means taking hits. 

you do. bracing your body, thinking of the people already hurting, already injured or worse. you will do this for them. and you think of your parents, sending you here to protect him. you haven't had much of a chance to do so, considering. this is that time. 

you fly backwards as he approaches, lessening the blow as he smashes into your body. one hand gripping you so hard it hurts, the other punching you, repeatedly, you feel ribs bruising, breaking with every punch. you have to take this. you have to. 

landing on your back, you see the moment, even as your head smacks against pavement. he's winding up, ready to deliver the knockout blow. 

you think of Alex walking you through how this very wind up is dangerous. the frustrating hours of repetition, until you were both sweaty and shaking. never had you thought then, that you would have to use that very knowledge on your own family. it isn't something you ever wanted. 

you see his shoulder twist back, ready to put the full force of his mass through his fist, into you. to take that blow would be nearly fatal. you know that. your action must be quicker than his. 

you beat him to it. laser eyes and a kick to the balls doubles him over, you have less than a second to scramble to your feet, to bring his head smashing down onto your knee. to lash out with a kick that sends kal backwards five feet. he crunches sickeningly against a cement wall. 

“i had to do it.” you say quietly, hating the damage you've caused. 

you see his nose broken, eyes rolled back in his head. 

your entire body is in pain, it takes all of yourself to stagger to him. to lift him in your arms and take off. you do not have time for metropolis, not when he is at risk of waking at any second. you don't know what's happened, but the black ooze from his ears doesn't look good.

you grip him tighter, ignoring the screaming in your muscles. it is the longest flight you've ever made. you barely get to the deo, lucky that kal didn't regain consciousness on your flight. 

you collapse to the floor, covered in blood and debris. kal is next to you, shifting slowly “he's waking up.” you warn, pulling yourself to a standing position with Alex’s offered arm. you know she was waiting for you, no doubt having seen your battle, seen the extent of what you have to do. 

four agents grab kal, you watch as they move him quickly, but with care, to the safety of a cell. 

you lean into Alex. 

“that wasn't him.” you mumble “his eyes, they were, different.” 

“i believe you.” Alex says “let's get you to the lamps.” 

you're groaning, biting back whimpers because every step you have to take is agonizing. there's this desire to have Alex carry you, but not here, not in front of all these people. 

“your fight with kal is trending worldwide.” winn says as you pass through command to get to medical. 

you hope Alex shoots him a look that says now is not the time. because it most definitely is not the time. 

the doors to medical hiss open and Alex says, voice full of command “i want a full body scan.” people hasten to obey her, moving immediately. 

she helps you up onto the table, squeezing your hand as you blink back tears “you did so well.” 

“i hated it.” you whisper “having to hurt him. it was,” you take a shaking breath “it was like having to fight you.” 

she squeezes your hand “he wasn't in his own mind either.” she says, “we’ll figure out what's wrong, we’ll fix it.” 

you sigh, nodding, noticing a streak of black ooze across your shoulder “that,” you say, nodding to it “was coming from his ears.” 

just as you speak, there's an eruption of noise. gunfire echoes and across the base, a code is being shouted but you can't quite make sense of it, your head is still aching. 

“stay here.” Alex says, pressing down on your arm, stopping you mid sit “you're in no condition.”

you nod, moving isn't quite an option, now that your body has seized the fullness of the fight you found yourself in. you watch her unholster her gun and walk out of the medical bay. it doesn't go unnoticed that she locks you in. 

you are forced to lay there, under the rays of the lamps, listening with baited breath, using all your super hearing to follow the chaos. you follow Alex, the sound of her beating heart. 

“ _what's happening?_ ” she asks, her footsteps steady, her voice confident, calm. 

[her heartbeat is through the roof] 

j’onns voice comes through, resigned “ _three of the four involved in the transport of superman have shot themselves._ ” 

you blink, pulling away from that conversation for a beat. three more people dead or dying, for reason unknown. presumably from the same thing that has taken kal. it hits you, bricks loaded in your chest. 

turning your attention back, you seek Alex’s heartbeat “ _it's the ooze._ ” she's saying “ _it’s on all three of their hands._ ”

the very same ooze that's touching your shoulder. so why haven't you started rampaging? you swallow, shiver, feel the press of the neural inhibitor against your temple. 

that's probably why. 

“ _we’re going into lockdown. no one in or out. everyone is going through decontamination immediately. and no one goes near supergirl._ ” 

that's j’onn. you hear the change in sirens, see the flashing lights, hear the locks reinforcing on your room. you are forced to lay here, helpless, still weak, looking at the ooze out of the corner of your eye. 

you wonder about kal, if he's alive, you hope he's alive. you are forced to lay there, letting the machines work, thinking about kal. about his eyes, about how relentlessly he attacked you. 

you think about the words he said, trying to remember how they sounded, trying to replicate them off your own tongue. it's a language you've never heard before, guttural sounds that, in your best attempt, sound like you're going to be sick. 

there's a knocking on the glass, you turn your head and see Alex. she's gesturing to her earpiece, then down to the one she's put in the airlock. you nod, holding up a hand, needing to move slowly. 

it takes an age to cross the room, but your body is more sore than in pain. when you slip the earpiece in, you hear Alex’s voice “how are you feeling?” she asks 

“are they dead?” 

she shakes her head “no, shot themselves in the knee.” 

that’s something. 

you feel her looking at your shoulder, at the ooze “i’m not infected, or mind controlled.” you tell her, pressing your hand against the glass “i think it's the neural inhibitor.” 

“it's a good theory. you still need to go through decontamination.” she matches her hand to yours “we’ll figure this out, we always do.” 

you nod, it's so late, your body is protesting and tired “i’m going to come in and help you with decontamination.” 

you shake your head “you don't have an inhibitor, i won't risk you. i can do it.” 

that last part is debatable at best, but you're not letting Alex near you, not with a possibly contagious, mind controlling ooze on you. there's no way. 

“i’ll be okay.” you say, forcing it through gritted teeth. 

there's more you need to say, something that has come to you as you waited. you don't have too much choice, and you need her to know. she has to know “if i- if i become like him, like kal, you've got to stop me. anyway you can.” any way she can, killing you if she has to. you hate to put that burden on her, but it has to be said “don't let me hurt anyone.”

Alex looks to you, swallowing hard “it won't come to that.” 

but neither of you are convinced. 

you have no answers, and so many questions. 

\-- 

by the time you go through decontamination, the deo has gone through a clean of its own. everyone has changed, your own outfit taken for deep cleaning by coverall wearing techs. you're laying under the lamps wearing some of Alex’s old clothes, wishing she could be in here with you. 

she's working with kal. you watched his unconscious body being rolled past your own room. it's more of a cell now. until they understand kal, you are still dangerous. even with the inhibitor. there's a risk of you turning like him, bent on destruction and terror. you know j’onn will ask you to move to a cell once you're healed. you've already heard that conversation with Alex. 

[‘she hasn't done anything, she's displaying no signs or symptoms.’ ‘we don't know whats going on, metropolis has half of downtown wiped out, i don't like it either, but it's for her own safety’] 

you know you'll let him take you there. 

“ _kara, you awake?_ ” 

Alex's voice comes through on the comm in your ear “yeah,” you sigh quietly “i’m awake. where are you?” 

“ _trying to get some rest while i wait for labs. you know, i was really looking forward to watching inside out._ ” 

she's trying to make you smile, laugh, anything “next movie night.” you promise, then “i keep thinking about kal. if he wakes up, he's - what's going to happen to him? he’ll have to answer for what he did.” 

“ _for now, let’s just focus on fixing him._ ” She soothes you “ _i have tests running, once I know anything, i’ll let you know._ ” 

“thank you.” you tell her, closing your eyes, letting the heat of the lamps, and the urgency of your body work in tandem. 

\--

the lab hasn't produced any answers, yet. and with your body fully healed you consent to being locked, where you can't hurt anyone. j’onn makes sure to tell everyone, loudly, that you're doing this of your own free will. that this is a precaution until they have some more answers. it feels like the neural inhibitor is doing its job, but still, you refuse to risk it. 

it doesn't make you feel any better though, when you're being flanked by two guards, and Alex, all the way. she waves them off as soon as you're locked in, the door sliding shut and leaving the two of you in privacy. 

“this is temporary.” she tells you, “we’ll figure it out.” 

you nod, slumping down on the uncomfortable floor of the cell “i hate being useless. i hate not being able to trust myself.” 

“i trust you.” Alex says immediately “i’ll have my comm in all day, you need anything, just ask. okay?” 

“netflix would be amazing.” 

Alex smiles “i'll see what I can do.” she pauses, looking at you “i love you.” 

you smile, hair falling down against your face “i love you.” 

still, watching her walk away leaves you very bored and very alone. you look at the cell, how much smaller it seems from the inside. you think of movie montages where prisoners do endless press ups and sit ups. you feel like that's an option if you hit extreme boredom. 

somehow Alex wrangles winn into bringing you a laptop “netflix and tetris,” he presents to you “all you could ever ask for.” 

which is a slight over exaggeration, but when he also procures a pillow and a blanket, you feel like for prison, this isn't the worst. you're stuck with Netflix and your memories though, and there's only so much you can do to distract yourself. 

it's early afternoon, and you're hungry “Alex,” you say through the comm “can I get a sandwich.” 

“i’ll do you one better.” she replies, and doors slide open, Alex has come to you. 

“you're okay.” she says, and you aren't sure if it's statement or question. 

you stand up “i’m okay. what happened?” 

“no, no,” she says, unlocking you from the cell “you're okay. clean, we’ve got some answers.” 

“answers? what kind of answers?”

“come with me.” 

you follow her to the command, where winn has pulled up files across different screens. you look at them, and he looks to you, j’onn and Alex “we think this is definitely alien. a species called the ikuzus.” he pulls up a photo and at first you're confused, it looks like a neural network, connected synapses and nerves, something out of your neural biology text book. you look to winn for further explanation.

“don't be fooled,” he continues “it's an incredibly advanced organism. we don't know much about them, but the kryptonian files tell us on their home planet, they have full bodied forms, but once they leave, they change. like you and how you get powers from the sun, they’re changed by the conditions of space. they become the black substance. but it's ooze with full functioning brain capacity, the ability to communicate. they use some sort of mind control to take over a host, and once they do that, the host starts to lose its mind.” 

he taps a few keys and the guttural language you had tried to replicate comes across the speakers. 

“unfortunately we can't understand any of what they're saying.” 

the speaking stops. 

you take a moment to process this “so if they're in kal’s mind, how do we get them out?” 

“that's a fair question,” j’onn agrees 

“well,” winn says slowly, “i’m not quite sure. there isn't much research out there. the best I can think of is some sort of mind meld. because izukus work in the host's consciousness. if we wanted to stop them, we’d need to have some way to connect with the brain of this thing, through superman brain.” 

“i’ll do it.” you say at once, remembering Alex doing something similar for you “how do we connect me to his mind?” 

“i need time to figure it out.” winn says, looking around them “sorry.” 

“do it.” j’onn says “whatever you need to make it happen.” 

winn nods, turning back to his bank of computers and talking quietly to himself, typing furiously. you look to Alex, then away “i need air.” you say, excusing yourself. 

it's a short walk to the roof, people glance at you when you pass, but don't say anything. the sun is high in the sky, reminding you that it's daylight, that out there metropolis is trying to recover, that national city is going about its life. it feels like an eternity since a mugger was pressing a gun to your neck. 

you almost wish for that. those simpler times. 

feeling calmer, ready to be patient for winn’s science, you walk back inside. you still need lunch, something you hope you can convince Alex to join you on. when you find her, in coveralls, working in the isolation lab, you knock on the glass. she smiles, nods to you, you've still got the comm in. 

“you need to eat.” you tell her “we both do.” 

“ _i’m just going to set up some stuff with kal. if we can monitor his brainwaves we might be able to get a better read of what's happening._ ” 

you can tell she's worried, using work as a means to keep busy. still though, she can't ignore her own needs. 

“can I come?” you ask, the urge to see kal, to tell him it will be okay, striking you. 

alex smiles in your direction “ _of course._ ” 

you nod, waiting patiently for her to shed isolation clothes “has he woken up at all?” you ask 

Alex shakes her head “it seemed like he was going to when you arrived, but not fully. you did a good job.” 

yeah, a good job at rendering your cousin fully unconscious for multiple hours. not exactly your idea of something ‘good’. you follow Alex to her office, a space she never uses, except for naps, storing your food, and the quiet. today two of the three come in handy. 

she pulls out sandwiches from the fridge, sliding you a gatorade. you both eat in silence, happy for her company, and she happy for yours. 

you don't know if you could do this without her. you know you can't. sure, you could be supergirl, but the balance, what of it there was, would be impossible without Alex by your side for it all. 

“kara,” she says finally, “what you're going to do, mind meld, it's incredibly dangerous.” 

“you did it, with the black mercy.” you remind her. 

she nods “it was all or nothing.” she explains “i was coming back with you, or not at all.” 

Alex has never shared that before, perhaps she thought you didn't need to know how much she risked. it makes you love her more. 

“he’s my family.” you say quietly “i was sent here to protect him, i have to try.” 

Alex reaches for your hand “i know.” she replies, looking like she's searching for more words, but finds none. 

you sit there, holding onto her hand, uncertainty roiling in your stomach. the second sandwich provided goes uneaten. 

“i need to call maggie.” Alex says finally “we were suppose to play pool tonight, but something tells me i won't feel up to it.” 

you know she’ll understand.

whatever Alex was going to say is interrupted by winn barreling through the door “i’ve got it.” he says quickly. 

“i’ll be there.” Alex says, urging you to go on so she can call maggie. 

// 

whatever it is that winn has thought up, it is making him nervous. you are taken down to the isolation room where kal is lying. you see the steady rhythm of his brain waves, his heart rate, and some contraption you've never seen before. standing there to greet is j’onn, two more agents, and then behind you, Alex. 

“care to explain what we’re going to do?” j’onn directs to winn. 

winn nods, “so i looked at the files from the black mercy and i got the idea from that work. all we are going to do is link up kara's mind, to supermans. it is more complicated than that, but sparing you the specifics, this is really, like, beyond dangerous. we have no idea what's the ikuzus is capable of, or what exactly will be going on in supermans mind. we won't be able to pull you out, not if we want to also keep your neural inhibitor working while you're in there. so only you, inside the consciousness, can pull yourself out.” 

“what are the risks?” Alex and j’onn ask at the same time.

winn looks between them, unsure who to speak to, then settles on speaking to you “there are a lot of risks. again, we don't know what you’ll be dealing with, but you can't die. if you die in there, you actually die, this is your real mind that we are sending in there. so, whatever you do, don't die.” 

you had expected death to be a substantial risk, so it's nothing new. what scares you more is the unknown, the leap you are making into the void. 

“okay.” you say, smoothing out your sweatpants with your hands “i’m ready.” 

“you can change into this.” j’onn says, handing your the familiar supergirl colors. 

you nod, taking the material into yours hands. there's a sense of trepidation in the room, it swells between everyone when you leave to change. you wonder what's going to happen, if you can save kal, if you'll be able to pull yourself out. 

you have no idea. 

back in the room, you lay down on the table, winn securing the headgear. Alex is standing next to you, helping him, but talking to you “be safe.” she says. 

“i will.” you promise, although safe went out the window when you saved that plane. 

“one more thing.” winn says “we will have one chance to do this. any more than that and the amount of energy it would require from you might kill you.” 

and so there's that. 

you nod, closing your eyes, Alex squeezing your hand once more before letting go, but she doesn't step back. 

“i’m ready.” you say firmly, adrenaline pouring into your system, you hear your own heartbeat rising, wonder what your brainwaves look like. 

“in three,” winn starts, and your mind is racing. 

“two.” you think of kal, of saving him and not of the risks. 

“one.” 

everything goes dark, you hear nothing, see nothing. this is it, the beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who read/kudoed/commented on the last chapter. i didn't mean for chapter one to be so short, but combined with what is now chapter two it just felt like too much at one time. 
> 
> my beta is [digging-up-my-castle](http://www.digging-up-my-castle.tumblr.com) and they deserve so much love and praise for the hard work they put into making this story happen. 
> 
> as always, come shout about supergirl with me at my tumblr [onefootone](http://www.onefootonetumblr.com)


	3. but we want to

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gut instinct says trust her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please check notes at the end for warning about this chapters content

of all the things you were expecting when you came to, the familiarity of national city wasn't it. although, you stand up slowly, taking in the surroundings, it isn't quite national city. it is, but it isn't. 

it looks like national city and metropolis merged, forming the landscape you see before you. a coherent smash of locations presented here. you wonder if this is the aliens doing, or kal’s. 

what throws you the most, is how real it all feels. there is a light breeze rippling through you hair. the sounds of the city are alight and alive, people brush past you on the sidewalk, some staring, some ignoring you. it feels, if you had to place it, like being in the movie inception. except for aliens instead of leonardo dicaprio. 

you don't know what to expect, where to go. if this is an attempt to rid kal of the ikuzus in his mind, in his body, then finding them was going to be a good place to start. but this all feels so, normal. 

too normal. 

it gets creepier the longer you're in it, walking around. you check for the kick back button on your wrist, secured there by winn, it's your only way back to your world, the real world. 

the first siren wails and you still, tilting your head to listen. sirens, the sounds of flames licking up a wall. it isn't, you think, kal, but it's something to do. it is starting to figure out what's going on in this consciousness you've stepped into. 

taking off into the air gives you perspective, the city, a jigsaw of recognizable and the unfamiliar. pockets of intense darkness bloom across entire city blocks, along the horizon you can see darkness rolling in. is that, you wonder, the ikuzus coming in for the kill. 

smoke, much nearer than the horizon, catches your attention, a building aflame. it's odd, you think, flying towards it. something about it feels familiar. it isn't a rescue you've done, no, but - you don't pause but the realization hits you, this was one of kal’s first rescues as superman. you remember watching the dated clips on YouTube, over and over again, caught in the ease of his actions. 

seeing it here feels like a good sign, a sign that at its core, this is still kal’s brain, that he hadn't given up total control yet. to mimic his actions feels stranger still, but you perform the act easily, putting out the billowing flames. you carry the people to the safety of the sidewalk. the toll it takes on your body is almost nonexistent here. 

you take to the skies again, finding peace in the clouds, finding it easier to think, to try and figure out a game plan. the patches of darkness are calling to you, pulling you closer every lap you take over the city. finally, you relent. 

you land a block away, walking slowly towards the looming darkness, seeing how in that space, it may as well be a moonless midnight. 

there is a sharp divide, and you stop short. one step more and you step into the encompassing darkness. stay where you are and the light, the noise, of the city moves around you. 

you’re about to step into the darkness, you have a foot raised when - 

“ _supergirl, come in._ ” 

you spin around, only to realize you're wearing an earpiece, a comm. you recognize j’onns voice and you have to wonder if this is the j’onn or some sort of conscious made figure. you wonder how much of your own consciousness will seep into this version of reality. 

“i’m here.” you say “are you in the lab?” 

“ _what? no, we’re moving in position to take the warehouse. we’re waiting for you._ ” 

“oh, right, of course.” because apparently in this consciousness there is also a deo. 

you push off into the air, trying to get a grip of your surroundings, using your hearing to follow the sound of j’onns voice. 

the city is unfamiliar to you. there are blocks you recognize, blocks that you remember walking down with winn, or Alex. 

you head to what looks like the arts district, there are more smatterings of darkness here, the light sometimes connected only by a thready, narrow alleyway. 

finding the deo is easy enough, you see an array of deo agents climbing out of vehicles. they’re gunned up, moreso than you have ever seen them, with, you realize, kryptonite guns. you recognize the green glow in the clip anywhere. 

you stare at them, blinking quickly. they haven't noticed your arrival, you hover in the air, a few meters behind the last truck. from this distance, you listen, try to gauge the situation, if these agents are friend, or foe. 

“our target is inside the warehouse. armed and very dangerous. permission granted for shoot to kill.” 

you've never heard j’onn give a shoot to kill order before. it's disconcerting, with your most natural instinct being that of trusting. when you see the recognizable figure of alex, it's a relief. 

you land, walking over to her “alex,” you hiss and she looks at you “what's with the,” you gesture to the guns “with those.” 

alex looks at you like you're crazy “they're standard issue, always have been.” 

this isn't right. you don't know what it is, but something is very, very wrong. there's tension creeping into your shoulders and the one group of people you should trust, is making your skin crawl. 

“supergirl, you're taking the back.” j’onn says. 

you look at alex, whose gaze has already slid back to her gun. 

“let's go!” j’onn hurries you “alpha team is going to place the air blockades and once they're clear it's everyone in their places.”

it's permission to get away from them, and you seize it. you take off, landing at the back of the building with a soft whoosh of dust at your feet. pushing a door open, you pause in the abandoned entrance. there is graffiti everywhere, garbage strewn across the floor and the smell of urine makes you gag. you do your best not to breath, listening carefully for sounds of movement. 

you hear it in the basement, and you walk down the stairs as quietly as you can. you only detect one person, just like j’onn said. but when you stand just outside the stairwell door, peering through shattered glass, you freeze. 

kal. 

your head spins, you don't know who to trust. but you have to listen to your gut. you push open the door and say in hushed tones “kal?” you're body is still tense, ready for a fight. 

he whips around, seems to register that it's you, only after he's looked at you for long, long seconds, blinking slowly “it’s me.” you say with certainty “it's me. it's kara.” 

“how can I trust that?” he sounds, off, his words catch on each other. 

“my body is in the deo lab, so is yours. none of this is real, it's all, some alien attack on you.” you tell him this slowly, with easy certainty. you're starting to think this is the kal you know and love. the one trapped inside his own mind “are you okay?”

he shakes his head “i don't know what's happened kara. don't come near me, that line, it's a - it hurts.” his voice is raw, you see the glowing green circle on the floor “i don't have any of my powers. they - they keep torturing me” 

“who?” you ask 

he shakes his head, ready to say more, but as he opens his mouth, the door across the room slams open with a crash. in walks alex, with her gun leveled at you “target secure.” 

you stare at her, eyes more at the barrel of the gun “alex,” you shake your head “alex, what’s going on? i’m not a target?” 

she doesn't even blink, speaking into her own comm “sent bravo team up, we can begin.” 

begin what? 

you don't know, this isn't alex. it can't be, she has that gun pointed at you, finger relaxed on the trigger. she would never. your sister would never risk that. 

you hear boots behind you, you turn see guns pointed at you, marching you forward, until you're next to kal. 

“he can watch.” alex says, gesturing to kal, then to you “any sudden moves and i put a bullet in you.” 

you swallow hard, nodding, your hands pressed behind your back, the button is pressing into your skin. you know this is dangerous, know that they could kill you here and that's it. the end. but you may not have another chance, you need to try, you have to just grab kal, any contact any contact and you can get him out of here. 

but right now he's helpless, as are you. you watch him cuffed, on the floor, watching you. there is no look of reassurance you can give him. 

alex is still standing here, producing tethers of her own, they're being strung up, fed through a pulley system. it's all kryptonite. 

you realize, suddenly and all at once, that they mean to hurt you. that they mean to torture you. but for what? 

“why are you doing this?” you ask, the pleading in your voice is that, and the grunts of pain escape as well when the cuffs slip around your wrists, pulling you up “you don't have to do this alex.” 

but this isn't alex. you are sure now, that this is the ikuzus. somehow they have gotten in your head, they've picked alex as the person to hurt you. to do terrible, terrible things to you. 

the first glowing green blade she drags down your arm is agony. worse than anything you've ever felt before, worse than getting shot. worse than breaking your arm. 

“we know.” she says, her voice cold, as she speaks, you realize, in guttural kryptonese “but we want to.” 

two things happen in the next moments. 

one, you lash out, swinging your legs forward trying to get momentum, just a little bit and the button will press against the side of the cuff. 

two, alex, standing before you, is no longer alex. you watch as she transforms into something else. into a nightmare. more insect than human, this, the terrestrial form of the ikuzus. jet black and a gaping maw with rows and rows of teeth. you're fighting the bonds just to get away from it. you can feel it's hot, rancid, breath. laser eyes do nothing to its skin. it could kill you now. 

it wants to kill you. 

the button depresses. blackness consumes you. 

you hope this darkness takes you to your reality. 

\-- 

you wake up gasping, you are writhing and sweating, struggling against bonds you realize. your chest feels impossibly tight, strapped down to the table. you weren't contained like this before, the sinking in your stomach pushes harder, you must still be in the consciousness. they must have captured you, taken you here, wherever this is. 

the deo. a deo that is, and isn't. your gut instinct kicks in. the searing pain in your arm still fresh, you 

it takes hard seconds to snap these bonds, to push yourself to the sitting position, to register the chaos of the room around you. people are moving everywhere, circling you, guns leveled, multiple guns. your eyes go wide, seeing j’onn, maggie, vasquez even with guns leveled at you. Alex alone stands before you, hands spread at her side, the gesture of surrender. 

you shake your head, fumbling for the release button, slamming it down again and again. your ears are still ringing, you don't know if this is reality. if this is the place where Alex is Alex. 

“she's just freaked out.” winn says from behind someone “her brain activity is normal.” 

that feels like an apt description, you're entire body is thrumming, tense with the energy to get away, frozen by the guns, by the people circling you. can you trust them? are they here to hurt you? you still don't know. 

tension is dancing across the room. you look at Alex. gut instinct says trust her. you could feel how wrong it was in the consciousness. this, you think it's real. 

“Alex.” you say shakily.

the next movement is from Alex, she's walking slowly towards you “supergirl,” she says, meeting your gaze “you're safe. you made it back.” 

your eyes are bright with tears, you need that to be true. 

“what movie were we going to watch last night?” you ask her, this feels like your only way to get a truth you trust. 

“inside out.” she responds at once. 

you look at her, there's too many people in the room, too many people who were also there. who were ready to torture you. who pointed guns at you. 

god. this panic, it's familiar. when you were young it would happen all the time. a new planet, too much stimulation. you close your eyes, what a terrible, yet predictable time for this to happen. 

you shake your head again, still trying to calm your breathing. clear your head off trying to settle yourself, but there are still guns leveled at you. hard to calm down when that's going on. 

“sawyer.” Alex says, seeing how you can't calm down “put your gun down.” 

maggie doesn't. Alex says it again “put your gun down, now.” 

“you trust her danvers?” 

“with my life.” 

“that's a lot of trust.” 

it is, yes it is. 

there's another beat and then maggie, j’onn, the others holster their guns. guns designed to at least give you a little bit of trouble, that much you know. it's easier to breath now. the tightness in your chest is fading. 

“what happened in there?” j’onn asks. 

Alex is moving slowly, hands hovering over the straps on your ankles. she, of the group, may have been the only one to recognize the panic you descended into it. the permission for contact is something she used to do back then. 

you nod and she undoes them. her fingers are cool against your skin, familiar. you wait to shake out your legs before you speak. you look to j’onn knowing you have no desire to explain it all, not really. but this is a team, your team, your family - so you’ll tell them what happened.

biting your lip, you steady yourself. this is your family. your family “the ikuzus, they had kal captured. had us cornered. kal, he didn't have his powers” your voice is shaking as you look to kal, still unconscious “they had kryptonite guns, they surrounded us, had me tied up.” you don't want to relive that recent past around all these people “i had to get out.” 

Alex takes your hand, squeezing it “you did the right thing.” she says. 

“i didn't get kal. i have to go back.” 

“supergirl-” 

“Alex.” you look at her “if it was me, if I was the one with aliens in my brain, you wouldn't stop until you saved me.” 

she knows you're right. 

“i’ll need to do some system tests.” winn says “to see if a second run is even possible.” 

“and you need to get some sun.” j’onn says, “that took a toll on you, whether you know it or not.” you know it did. 

“i’ll walk you.” Alex volunteers, as if she can sense there's more you haven't said yet, specifics of that encounter you skated over. you're not sure you can tell her, not sure you want to actualize the memories of your sister, a torturer. 

you stand slowly, bare feet pressing against the cool floor of the deo. you look at maggie, who is looking between the two of you, something in her eyes. it registers somewhere that she may be suspicious. but you can't think about it. you just want the solace, the silence, of the medical room. 

she must suspect because maggie, she ends up following you, a shadow, paces behind Alex. she's more or less the unofficially liaison between the deo and ncpd, people have stopped being surprised when she shows up. but that's far from your mind as the door slips shut behind and it leaves you clambering gingerly onto the table and Alex setting about plugging in the lamps.

maggie it seems, is content to wait until you're basking under the lamps to speak, Alex midway between pulling a chair up and glance back towards her "so," she says and her tone is unreadable, utterly neutral but clearly directed at Alex "your sister is supergirl." 

she doesn't sound mad, or offended, or even upset. not that you can really see her past the lights, but she sounds almost 

amused? 

you can catch the rigidity in Alex's posture, hear the soft padding of footsteps across linoleum, all you can do is wait. maggie clearly chose to ask Alex here, in front of you, but still, it doesn't quite feel like your place to speak, quite yet. 

"how-" Alex starts, then shakes her head, you catch a soft smile in her voice "movie night." 

it takes you a beat longer to catch up, to cast your mind back to the question you asked Alex. the one where her simple words gave you the most comfort. 

inside out. 

you hear maggie's response, see shadows move beyond the lights. a hand reaching for an elbow, a smile caught in the hallway light. it almost feels intrusive, to be laying here like this. but you wait it out. 

"i am a detective, danvers." you hear maggie say wryly. 

"i know, i just - telling someone, it's-" you hear Alex stutter and her posture is still tense. 

"alex," maggie says quietly, "you don't have to explain yourself." 

a hand moved to low back and you see Alex melt, she softens into maggie's embrace, and finally, finally, you look away. it doesn't stop you from hearing quiet words against skin, but they are not meant for you. it's easy to think of kal instead, of his wracked body, and the events of his mind. the way they - alex tortured you. 

someone saying your name pulls you back to the moment, Alex's hand on your wrist, gentle, concerned. you blink quickly, glance to maggie, 

"surprise." you say, pulling up a smile. 

maggie rolls her eyes, smiling "not much of a disguise though, glasses." she comments. 

"you'd be surprised." you reply, glancing to Alex who seems miles more relaxed now that everyone is smiling. 

she hadn't let go of your hand. 

you know while this conversation momentarily eclipsed what happened, the reality of why you're here is ebbing at the edges of the conversation. you look at her and let out a shaky breath, and maggie, reading the cues, smiles and kisses Alex's cheek gently 

"i'll give you two some space." she says, "i'll be in your office." 

Alex squeezes Maggie's hand, then looks to you. her thumb is moving in quick patterns across the skin and bones so human in appearance but far sturdier - mentally though, mentally it is not the same story. 

you are shaken, having faced an alex who wanted to hurt you, who took pleasure in it. but at the same time, it's easy to reconcile because Alex, this Alex, would never do that. she would never hurt you, never for fun, never for pleasure. 

"you don't have to tell me," she prefaces "but I'd like to know what happened, in clark's mind. I know it wasn't nothing."

she presents to you no accusations, only observations laced with concern and care.

you remember Alex's face, the remorseless pleasure she took from hurting you, from hearing you scream. it wasn't her, you know, you tell yourself that, but god, it felt so real. you swallow hard, you know Alex is fishing for more, she can tell you only told part of the truth. 

you can't tell her. 

“it’s so real in there.” you tell the ceiling, sidestepping the truth “and coming back, bring restrained, i thought i hadn't kicked out, that I was still trapped there, with them.” 

again, this partial exposition of the truth, 

Alex reaches for you hand “whatever you saw in there, it wasn't real. i promise.” 

it's like she knows without knowing, the specifics evade her knowledge, but she still can read your face. 

“kal was.” you say, “he was real, it was like - that was him? like i know that it's me in there, that version of him, that was the real him. he was so weak. whatever they're doing to him, i don't know if he can survive much longer.” you reach to flip the lamps off “i have to go back.” you say quietly, “you know that, right Alex?” 

“it doesn't mean i have to like it.” she says quietly “but i know i can't stop you.” 

you nod, “there was some kind of ring, around kal, when i got there. on the floor, he was trapped inside of it. said when he touched it, it hurt. i need to get through that.” 

“we should talk to j’onn, see if he has any ideas on how to break through it.” 

turns out, nothing is going to be easy. winn has only bad news. 

“from what you're describing, it sounds like they've energized kryptonite somehow, turned into some sort of shield. i doubt it would kill you, but if superman doesn't have his abilities, then it's probably enough to restrain him.” 

“but how do I break through it?” you ask

“you should be able to just reach through it.” 

Alex rolls her eyes “sure, reach through a wall of pure kryptonite energy. why don't we try to come up with a better plan than that.” 

winn, properly scolded, recalculates “you can't just turn it off. and depending on how weak superman is, pulling him through it might kill him.” 

“so how do I stop it?” 

“ordinarily, you may not be able to, it’s a genius piece of tech really.” 

“tell me there's a but.” j’onn says wearily 

“but we’re not dealing with a world as we know it. you're going to kal’s consciousness, everything there is a construct. be it,” he gestures “his memories, or the aliens attack. so the rules don't really apply.” 

“it sounds like I'm going back in there with about as much information as I had the first time.” you grumble, there's a bite to your voice. 

you're on edge, with good reason you feel, all things considered. 

“supergirl,” j’onn says “we’re dealing with a species we haven't met before.” 

“don't you think i noticed? when I had to go in there and face off against them? had to watch, had to feel, them strung me up and slice me open.” the anger slips back down your throat “i need more to go off of then ‘the rules don’t apply.’” 

winn looks around, slightly helpless “i’m sorry, i don't know what else to tell you.” 

you run a hand through your hair as j’onn speaks “i fear we’re missing something obvious.” 

this draws the attention to him “pulling kal out does not help us this second time around if the aliens are still inside him. not now that he's so weak.” 

“so i have to take the aliens out of his mind.” 

“you have to kill them.” j’onn says “it's the only way.” 

“kill all of them? i'm not sure if that's possible. they-” you start, hating to admit that truth. 

“actually,” winn says “i read something about that. the ikuzus, you can't kill them.” 

you stare at him. 

“I mean, you can, but, apparently it's complicated. it's why the kryptonians blew up their whole planet.” he explains “the life of their leader is the life of them all. you can kill and kill but if you don't take out the leader, they'll keep coming back.” 

that feels like something to work with anyway. 

“but, there's more problems,” winn says “so,” he says “we have enough power to send you back, but the neural inhibitor is almost fried. if, if you go back, and it breaks, there's nothing to stop them from taking your consciousness.” 

“i have to go back.” you say “there is no other option.” 

“kara,” Alex says “it could kill you.” 

“leaving him to die, that will kill me.” 

there is no arguing the matter. you have to go back. 

“if you're going back, we are going to do it my way.” j’onn says “in containment, so if you lose, we can isolate whatever happens next. when, if, you come out, you will stay in isolation until we are certain you are you.” 

“which should be pretty easier, we have records of your brain activity usually. all we need to do is keep comparing what is coming live, to that.” winn supplies. 

you look to Alex. you know she wants to say don't do this. but she won't. 

“let’s go.” you nod, there is no questioning j’onns terms. 

the walk to a cell feels long. Alex is beside you, and for the moment it's just the two of you. it's Alex saying quietly "you have to kill them." 

and you closing your eyes, letting out a long breath, nodding "i know." 

but you're not sure you do. killing has never been something you've wanted to do. it's never really been something you have to do. but then again, really, it's never been on the table. 

except now, it is the table. 

it's your only option. 

"i was sent here to protect him." you say quietly "if i don't kill them, he dies. i have no choice." 

you've seen death, but you've never killed before. they're worlds apart. 

but the twisting in your stomach tells you that there really is no other option. alex doesn't say anything, she just pulls you into a hug. you soak up her presence, her warmth, her protection. she can't protect you from what you've got to do 

between moving the equipment, kal and setting it back up, half an hour has passed. it feels like time wasted, you just having to stand there, letting everyone else work.

finally, Alex walks over. she stands in front of you “whatever you see in there, it isn’t real. none of it is real.” 

“i know.” you whisper. 

you're scared. but there is no time for that. you have to save kal, it was, is, your original purpose for coming to earth. you will do it, or die trying. and Alex knows that, knows you would do the same for her. maybe more. 

“we’re ready.” winn says from the computer. 

“you got it.” maggie says, which feels comforting. 

you walk into the cell, lay down on the table. let Alex and j’onn strap you down. the bonds are tight, not impossible to break, but a challenge. the neural transmitter is slipped back over your head, the comm settled, still, in your ear. 

“countdown in three.” comes winn's voice. 

you look at Alex. if there's a chance you're going to die, you want to see her last of all. 

“two.” 

she's scared, so are you. 

“one.” 

it all goes black. 

round two, here you come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter has: mention and explicit discussion of torture. 
> 
> thank you as always for the kudos and comments, they make this author very happy.


	4. do not think

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> for earth is yours. like krypton was before it. someone has to try and fight them. try to end this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> watch out guys, this chapter is very intense. check the bottom for more specific notes if needs be.

things are different when you open your eyes. this time the world of kal's mind is rampant with blackness, with smoke screaming. the worst of kal's memories have consumed the city they decorate. 

you see battles lost flickering along the horizon. you see personal pain, pain you never knew he carried. an abyss in the sky where krypton used to hang, where he used to live but can never remember. it is the darkest of his days here in earth, rising like a swell to stop him. a tsunami of unstoppable remembrance, preparing to crash down and wash away what happiness there is left. 

this must be the ikuzus, this must be what near victory looks like. you can only imagine kal, trapped, strength sapped from him, losing the will, losing the ability to fight back. 

it must be consuming. 

you do not want to think about it happening to you. 

but in all your observation, you lose sight of the present. you ignore the bustling city street and the way the people part. the way they stop nearing you. you see, but do not recognize, the warning signs. 

it takes you too long to realize that where you emerged this time, is different from where you emerged last. that this time you are in exponentially more danger. this time you are surrounded by deo. 

deo who isn't deo. 

deo who have the faces of all your friends, your sister, but carry kryptonite weapons and have them leveled at you. you are looking at aliens, aliens who have found from kal's mind the way to inflict you pain. to play out the very betrayal that you fear, that usually sits, ignored and invalid, in the back of your mind. here, here in this playing field you feel it grow. they are not here to help you. they are here to take you. to consume your mind and your world. 

for earth is yours. like krypton was before it. someone has to try and fight them. try to end this. 

when faced with these deadly weapons, you are presented with the illusion of choice. where in the reality of it, complying with demands is the only viable option. standing to fight would lead to your permanent death. 

still, you will not just fall to your knees and keel over for them. you will not hand them your mind yet. 

"it's just me." you say, eyes falling to alex, "it's kara." 

[this is alex not alex. you must remind yourself of that]

there is nothing across alex's emotions that shows recognition. her face reads only as hostile, as ready to take you in. ready to hurt you again. you shiver against her touch, for she's the one who steps forward and cuffs you "i know who you are." she says, slipping the bracelets around your wrist. tightening them until you wince. 

[alex not alex] 

"i want her in a cell until we're ready for her." j'onn is saying "and take the thing off her wrist." 

oh no. 

oh no. 

you struggle, you can not give up the release without a fight, without it you will be trapped. 

except it is hardly a fight. it is the barrel of a gun jabbed into the soft flesh under your jaw. it's the audible half depression of the trigger. it's enough to still you. to feel hands scrabble at the release, careful not to press the button, but careful to take it from you. 

god. 

your wrist feels naked without it. 

you are trapped without it. 

"i want that thing destroyed as soon as we get back." 

you watch it go. watch it get put into a briefcase, hard shell, soft interior. it gets locked inside and you are now tethered to this world. 

tethered to kal's mind. 

they are not gentle with you. alex, the obvious command under j'onn, drags you forward, not to the sedans but to a truck. lead you realize. inside there are not benches, just cuffs. kryptonite again, stronger. you are locked against the wall, three guards following you in. Alex the first, the angriest, the one who has her finger on the trigger. 

[alex not alex] 

you try to think of a plan. you try to think of a way out, try to think of who the leader is, of how you can kill them. of how you can find kal, find the release, get the hell out of here. this was never going to be easy, but this, this feels impossible. 

you feel fear. 

palpable, genuine fear. you know, you remember feeling what Alex did to you last. the slice of a blade down your arm, the blood, the pain, the pleasure on her face. god, they'll do it to you again. just to kill time, just to wait until they have kal's mind, until they can take yours too. they want to hurt you.

they want it. 

you do not. 

you force deep breaths, closing your eyes, focusing on something else, on anything else. on when muggers were your biggest problem, when watching inside out was the plan for the evening. instead, nearly a day later, you're here, trapped inside kal's dying mind. preparing yourself to be tortured by aliens. aliens impersonating your family. 

you've been hurt in other battles, but this, you have the fear twisting in your stomach that this will be unlike anything before. perhaps anything after as well, if this is your end. 

it isn't your end. 

it isn't. 

you have to think that or you will break. and with kal so close to shattering there is only but one option. protect him, protect him like you were sent here to do. protect earth like you chose to. protect yourself so Alex, Alex out there in the world, is not forced to do the worst. 

[you know she would. if you were lost and your body used against the earth and all it's people, you know she would protect you one last time] 

you swallow hard. 

you are the girl of steel.

in this moment you are Kara Zor-El. 

you are kara danvers too, always. 

you are supergirl. 

these are aliens. you think of all that winn told you about the ikuzus, about their bodily form and their powers of survival. you think about the dangers they presented, the war cries they gave to the universe. you, your people, you ended them. and this is the revenge of the ikuzus, to consume the last children of krypton and turn them against the world that saved them. 

you know that is their plan, that has always been simple to understand. it isn't much, you know that, but it's something. it's a way to go, a beam of light in the impending darkness. the ikuzus think they have won, you can feel it suffocating you. they have not won. kal's mind still stands, even if it is upon shaking, quaking, trembling legs. he stands, which means he still lives, which means you have a chance. 

you feel the truck slowing, passing through some sort of gate. 

these are the enemy. you're ready for a fight. you look to alex. 

[it is alex not alex, you must remind yourself of this] 

\--

they haul you to a cell, much like the one your body is in at the moment. it should be amusing, the parallels, but you're too far gone inside yourself to crack a smile. this is war of a different kind, one where you only have so many chances for a victory before defeat crushes you. there is little time for the amusement of parallels. 

they leave two nameless guards by the door, they do not look at you, they do not speak. they leave you to sit here, hands cuffed behind your back. 

and perhaps they expect you to fight, to try end escape, but instead of those futile actions you sit. cross legged. you sit and breathe and think. it isn't what you would prefer, not by a long shot, but here you are. playing your cards, thinking, trying to decide what Alex would do. how would she play this? 

smart. smart is how she would play this. 

you have no idea how much time passes, but it passes, it goes, they do not come for you. 

not until later, when the guards have changed and the deo feels quiet. 

the lights are low when the doors slide open. when alex and j'onn and a small army walk in. 

"on your feet." j'onn barks. 

you move slowly, forcing down the bubble of uncertainty, keeping the facade of calm, of fearlessness. 

"i want to see kal." you say calmly, clearly. 

"do you think you're in a position for making demands?" j'onn says to you. 

"we both know you have me trapped here and my cousin is too weak to fight back. it can be your last act of mercy, to let me say goodbye." 

"the ikuzus are not known for mercy." 

"because you leave no survivors." 

"so, you do know of us." 

"of course. what kryptonian doesn't remember when we destroyed your planet." 

there is an inhuman hiss from the chests of those in the room, a betrayal of their human facade. 

"take her." j'onn says easily, and you watch as Alex moves forward. 

you stare them down. no fear to be shown, although it courses through your bones, ready to spread and sprawl. 

it is alex who grabs you, hands rough, dragging you from the cell. it is she who pushes you in front of here, where steps emerge, where you have no balance. the ground is hard beneath your body, but you are harder. you brace for the impact, leave a dent where you stumbled. it doesn't hurt, but it wasn't supposed to. 

it was a display of power. of who's in charge and who's willing to hurt. 

[alex not alex]

they take you to what, in the parallel of this place, is where you learned to fight. where Alex brought you to humanity and taught you to defend yourself, taught you to sidestep your weaknesses and make them your strengths. 

you will need all of that today, if you want to see tomorrow. if you want to be able to thank her for all that she's done. 

[you do]

you do not want to know what they plan to do. but, all you have left is your imagination, is watching as they turn up the kryptonite. not enough to make you human, but enough to reduce you. 

you feel it. feel the weakness squeezing your muscles. 

"we could end this all," j'onn is saying "could take your cousins mind, your mind, end the world you two love so much. but if there is something your people," he spits the words "did not do, it was end things quickly. so neither shall we. you will suffer." 

he nods to alex. 

"wait," you say quickly "we didn't- we blew up your planet. maybe that was wrong, but it was quick." 

your words are received with a harsh laugh "is that what myths your elders told you? that is was quick?" 

you have to nod. 

j'onn shakes his head "they lied to you."

ripples of unease, of anger, spread through room and in this weakened state you feel very small. 

"they waited until our young were born. they starved us, to draw us to the surface, to force us into clusters. then, then they released their bombs. one at a time, making us run, so the last, the biggest they dropped, would ruin us all." 

it would bring you to your knees. the horror of it, the truth of what happened there. 

it explains the depths of their anger. 

but you remember the crimes brought before the court, the lives they took, death they spread across the universe. and you can not forget the horrors they are about to commit in torturing you. 

"so you," j'onn says "will suffer." 

the ikuzus, drop their disguise as the deo, they rise before you. dark, terrifying, excited to watch retribution, showing you their truest forms "and our dead will rest easy." 

the words slip down your spine, gripping you like a paralytic. 

\-- 

in this haze, a numbness has consumed your entire body. if you have a body. at this point you're no longer sure, retreated as you have, so far into the depths of your own mind. safe, barely, behind the neural transmitters shield. it protects you from losing yourself, but not from the pain. 

the pain you can not escape. 

they had started slowly, letting their brethren gather, the room teeming with excitement. with anticipation. they want this, you can feel it. they told you as much. 

and perhaps it would have been terrible if you were merely tortured by aliens for the sake of torture. but they had learned from kal's mind, they had discovered your biggest weakness, and here, in this present, they were exploiting it. 

for when the next injection was raised to your bloodied arm, it was Alex who held the syringe. 

alex not alex. you think that over and over again, it is your last coherent thought. but even as your eyes slam shut, it is alien words with alex's voice that mock you. it is her familiar laugh that echoes firstly in the room. 

you have never truly wished for death until now, but those words will not spring from your lips. you will not given them the pleasure of knowing you would give anything to die. to escape this pain, this fresh hell of prolonged abuse. 

"open your eyes supergirl." 

it is a command. 

you rebuke them. 

something else is barked in ikuzian and you hear the whistle of a whip, they have enjoyed shredding you like this. as the fire descends down your muscles, ripped apart by the kryptonite braided lash, you open your eyes. 

it is not by choice, it is by reaction. where your head is tipping back, a cry of pain is swallowed deep into your lungs and your eyes meet those of your abusers. 

alex. 

j'onn. 

"see yourself." 

and they show you. 

a mirror appears, and the reflection you see is hardly familiar. it is you, that much you know by logic, but beyond the crest on your chest, your hair hanging down, who you see is a stranger. 

never before have you been so battered. so bruised and broken. 

you can feel the blood on your back, see it, some matted in your hair. your arms, suspended above you by glowing green cuffs, are strained and bruised. elbows pock marked with the injections they've used to feed fire to your veins, injections they've used to keep you awake.

what you would give to sleep. or to simply pass out. anything to not exist in this space anymore. you have no plan, no means to escape. this could be your death. 

death, at this point, would be a welcome relief. 

you drop your head again, retreat to the shadows of your mind. you stay here, in the recesses, trying to think. trying to find hope, or find a plan. but you have nothing. not while you're in a room full of ikuzus, all you can do is survive. 

it occurs to you, at some point, when your back is a forest fire and tears are not enough to soothe, that the leader must be here. that of all the beings in this room, the leader of these survivors will be amongst them. finding them is a goal. 

it is something besides pain and thoughts of death. 

you think, of those who spoke to you, of those who stood before you. there is alex not alex, who has followed the commands of her brethren, but who has lead the way in causing you pain. and there is j'onn. 

the obvious answer is j'onn. 

leader of the deo, the leader here. he has spoken with the most passion on the bombing of his planet. he has incited the most rage amongst his fellows. 

it makes sense. 

but there is no way to kill him, hanging here, bleeding and broken, pathetic. 

this isn't hope. no, you're too far gone for hope. but is is something. it's the formings of a plan that could lead to more formings of other plans. again, you wouldn't call it hope. it's desperation. 

you're desperate. 

"stop." 

silence falls in the room, your attention falls to the present. you see j'onn standing before you "our planet burned for three days." he says "and so shall you." 

he speaks in the guttural language of his people and you watch as they start to leave. lights flicker off, the chains release you. 

there is no energy in your body to stop the floor from rising to meet you. it crashes into your bones, makes you bite your lip and whimper. the unforgiving surface yields not at all. 

they have left you here. they have assumed your weakness and locked you in. perhaps this is their first error. 

then again, perhaps not. for moving even an inch sends you into a small eternity of pain. breathing takes its toll on your screaming ribs. clenching your hand requires muscles long since in shreds. 

to flip onto your back is an impossibility. 

to lay on your stomach, basically the same. 

you stay, curled on your side. breathing slowly, blinking back tears. three days they promised you. it is the loss of your mind that sits in your future, be that two days from now, or less. you do not know how much longer you can retreat to those happiest of memories sustaining you. 

even the memories in this room. 

the gym. the space where Alex learned and passed her knowledge to you. the space where she taught you to be more than just your powers. if there is any a space you can find the will to fight, it must be here. 

you open your eyes, blink slowly in the dark, take in your surroundings. 

you see the manacles hanging, see the gleaming table empty of their vials and syringes. but wait, you blink again, squint. 

under the wheel, where it must have fallen is a blade. stained with your blood, it sits there on the floor, a surgical blade. the wounds it caused seem to burn anew, but you must get to it. 

it will cost you. 

but not seizing it will cost you more. 

you take breaths, unsteady, shallow, but oxygen floods your system. 

you can move. one centimeter at a time. one inch at a time. it takes hours, you can feel time slipping by, but your hand eventually, finally, curls around the cold handle of the blade and this, this is a little victory. 

the steel in your hand feels something like hope. 

\--

it is as if merely possessing the blade is enough to spur your body into recovery. as biologically impossible you know it to be, that doesn't stop the burning across the plain of your back from easing. you feel the objection in your arms and legs when you sit up, when the door slides open and you decide you will face these monsters down. 

it is a lone ikuzus. not disguised, just present, sliding a tray into the room. leaving it an eternity away, resting by the door. upon it isn't nothing but a glass of water. 

perhaps they don't know what you eat, or perhaps they don't care. but you need the water. you let the pressed of warmed metal against your hand inspire you. it will be an uneven fight when the time for last stand comes, but in this at least you will make a stand. 

and to do that, you need water. 

so it is a slow crawl across the room. not yet strong enough to walk, you settle for the sliding motion which is easiest on your back. 

the icy water toned glass is reward enough as it sits in your hand. as you look at it and wonder if maybe they've laced it. 

you don't know. 

your mouth feels sandy and aired now that this water is before you. 

you're not sure how long you'll be able to resist. 

forty seven seconds. that's how long you resist before the entire glass is downed with one gulp. 

it feels so damn good. to have the wild thirst satiated. 

and it seems that there was nothing inside it, not as you crawl back up to the platform. laying on your back is still too much, it screams if you wrap your arms around your knees. so you sit. and wait. and roll onto your side. and wait. 

you grip to the steel. wishing for it to imbue you with some sort of strength, strength to survive another day. 

somewhere in the hours, you succumb to sleep. although it is less sleep and more exhaustion wrapping its arms around you, pulling you in the safety of it's dreamless embrace. 

what you see upon awakening is nightmare enough. 

your cousin. 

he looks worse than you do. 

pale, suspended by cuffs across from where they've suspended you. 

he isn't even conscious. his head hangs, his entire posture is slumped. there are no visible wounds, not like those which you bear, but he is a far cry from healthy. his face is covered in a sheen of sweat, he twitches, lips mumbling unintelligibly. 

"here is your mercy." the ikuzus say, again it is j'onn who speaks. 

j'onn. 

you stiffen, thinking of your blade, of the plan you have. 

you struggle to your feet, the tips of your boots sliding across the floor, and while you don't find footing, you do feel the blade there. the steel has not been taken from you. 

not yet. 

what else you notice is the cuffs which hold you are not kryptonite. strong, sure, but there is none of the pain from yesterday. 

you realize they must only have one pair. and that even unconscious they deem kal, superman, the bigger risk. 

their underestimation is their second error. 

you do not have long. the room is not nearly as full as yesterday and what time you have before once again outnumbered and facing hours of pain is quickly diminishing. 

you calculate. you see j'onn but not alex. you know kal will be useless. you know you must take out at least four other ikuzus before being able to leave the room. you know you must find the release button. 

you know you're running out of options. that this plan is foolhardy at best. 

but you don't have another way. your body can only handle so much, your mind barely more than that. it seems impossible, but you must take this chance. 

you wait until j'onn has his back to yours. 

you find no gripping on the floor, but you do not need it. you seize the chains, you prepare to pull and - 

the door opens.

alex walks in. 

[alex not alex]

your body shivers. you feel the visceral fear rise from your stomach at the sight of her. but something is off. it's in the way she looks at you, the way she holds herself. it's off. 

you can't quite pin it. nor do you have the time to try. 

preparing your body, as much as you can, you pull the chains from the ceiling. it is a crashing of drywall and metal, dust rains down and the commotion starts. 

[your body is screaming, that took all of you] 

using the chains like whips you smash two in the face. pulling them back, they smash into you, but you don't have time to feel pain. not with the way your back is screaming, your entire body struggling to comply with what you demand of it. 

but it does. 

you take out the last two and all that's left is j'onn. and Alex. you're breathing hard, looking between them, to kal. knowing you have seconds left. 

it is alex who moves first.

and instead of coming for you, she goes for j'onn. she snaps his neck. you watch, frozen, confused. j'onn transforms, sheds that identify and his true one, that of the ikuzus comes forth. unmoving on the ground, black head twisted at an unnatural angle. 

"get clark." she commands and you, confused, do as she says. none of this makes sense, but as the weight of clark nearly takes you to your knees, she is there. 

this alex wraps an arm around your waist, hauls you up. she takes some of clark's weight from you, an arm around his shoulder, allowing you to stand upon shaking legs. 

"alex?" 

it is a question. 

she looks at you "we don't have time."

you know that to be true, but of her identity being her own, you're lost. 

she urges you forward, guiding you out of what had become your cell. the center of all your pain. 

what has happened inside the room seems to have remained contained, for a moment, you walk the familiar halls of the deo alongside Alex "where are we going?" you ask. 

she doesn't answer, taking you down a darkened hallway. into a room you've never seen before. it's bare, except for a table in the middle, upon which you rest kal. there are no windows. 

"alex," you say, voice breaking, "is it you?" 

she turns and you're surprised that there are tears in her eyes "of course it's me." she says "what did they do to you?" 

you shake your head, no time for explanations "why are you here?"

"we were worried, it was taking you so long to kick out. I told j'onn to send me, to see if I could help." her hand is soft on your back, careful to avoid bruises, blood, and god that sounds like her. 

you swallow hard, trying to see a reason for this not to be her. for this to be an ikuzus. 

you can't find one. 

you don't have time to think as an alarm blares. 

"what do we do?" you ask, "they took the release, we have to find it." 

behind you kal stirs, you hear him moan. 

"hey," you say gently, a hand resting on his chest "it's okay. i'm getting you out of here." 

his eyes flicker open "kara?" he mumbles. 

you nod "yeah, it's me. we're going to get you out of here." 

"we?" 

"alex is here too." you tell him, moving sideways so he can see alex. 

he grips your hand, tense, shakes his head "that isn't alex. it's - it's one of them. kara." 

he is so convinced, trying to sit up, you have to calm him "she killed the leader." you tell him "i watched her do it. she isn't one of them." 

"she is." kal pleads with you, gripping your hand "kara you have to believe me." 

"I'm not one of them." alex says, handing you the release. 

you look at her, trying to read for some sign of trickery. 

"we don't have much time she continues. there's only enough power to press the button once. we've got to go." 

you swallow hard. 

"how did she know who the leader was?" kal asks suddenly "she must have only just got here." 

you let your hands shake, let the release fall to the ground. you kneel to pick it up, slip the blade from your boot. you're holding it in one hand, the release in the other. 

you look at alex. 

"how did you know?" you ask, swallowing hard. 

it had taken you hours to come up with your best guess. but she had done it without hesitation. 

"the way the others acted around him." alex says "it wasn't easy, but you could see how that one held command." 

"kara, she's lying." kal says desperately "she's lying to you. you have to believe me." 

you're frozen, unsure what to do. if you press the button and haven't killed the leader, kal is dead, gone. the ikuzus have won. 

"kara," alex says, "i'm your sister." 

you take a deep breath, remembering those which were Alex's last words to you. it feels like an age ago now, her speaking to you, gripping your hands, meeting your unsteady gaze and saying 

_whatever you see in there, it isn’t real._

"kara," kal is saying "you have to kill her. she's one of them. she's the leader." 

you hear your blood rushing in your ears. you know you've got to do something. the ikuzus will find you and then the choice will no longer be yours. 

you put a hand on kal's chest, you feel the release rest there. you let the blade slip into your hand. you know what you have to do, you know who you have to trust.

there is only one person. 

your sister. 

the last words said to you by your big sister. for everything here could be a lie, but those words you know, kal's labored breathing and thready pulse you know to be his. 

but you could be wrong. 

even as you wrap your hands around the steel, it occurs to you. you could be preparing to murder your own sister. 

you have to trust yourself, trust your gut. 

you've got to do this. 

"kara," alex says, realizing what you're about to do as you do. 

as you sink the blade between her ribs. 

it isn't alex, you tell yourself. 

it isn't alex. 

warm, human blood spills over your hands. alex's hand grips your own. her eyes are wide in betrayal. her mouth opening and closing. 

she does not transform. 

an ikuzus does not lay before you, bleeding and dying. 

it is Alex. 

your sister. 

you killed your sister. 

oh god. 

"alex." you say quickly, mind racing to process the horror in what you've just done "alex I'm sorry. Oh-" 

you don't know what to do, she's dying on the floor. you move to grab her, to save her, anything, but before you can 

kal presses the release. 

there's a moment of still, alex flickers on the floor, and then everything is consumed by black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kara is tortured y'all and it's by ikuzus!alex. it's fun for no one. 
> 
> thank you to everyone who's reading this story. and never fear, there will be a chapter up tomorrow. i know the ending here is intense, but trust in me.


	5. through it all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it occurs to you that you've lost it. that killing Alex broke your mind. 
> 
> and if that's true, you want it to stay broken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a fairly tame chapter in comparison to the last.

you are screaming. 

that's all you know as the world comes slamming back to you. writhing against bonds, you feel them tear and rip and break, tatters sliding onto the floor. you are screaming one thing over and over again 

Alex. 

Alex. 

calling for her. 

begging for her. 

you killed her. you killed her. 

that's all you know, with her warm blood spilling down your hands, rising from her mouth. she had been sent to save you, and you had killed her. 

your sister. 

there is a commotion beyond you. outside you, in a world where Alex is no longer alive. you do not try and listen closely, don't try and register anything specific. there is a roaring in your eyes as you fall to your knees, tears streaming down your face. 

you feel heat burning into the floor, know your body is trying to rid itself of this grief. you're shaking, rocking, screaming. 

again, beyond you, this commotion is happening. there are raised voices, there is the sound of doors, but none of it means anything to you. 

your body is lost. you are lost. 

without Alex, what will you do? how will you explain this to eliza, to maggie, to anyone? you can't, you won't. 

the darkness is coming again, rushing for you. shock, you think vaguely, slumping to the floor, this is shock. 

\-- 

the next time you wake up, you register your surroundings. strapped to a table, in the cell, it's dark. there is a low thrumming of machines as they work beside you, monitoring, watching. 

you look to your side, where Alex would be, where she always is, no matter what. 

where she is not. 

tears burn your eyes. you let them fall, slipping back into the darkness. you don't care if you ever wake up. 

\-- 

there are low voices. muffled, but for you to hear them through the soundproof glass they must be loud. you can't quite pin what words belongs to who, that would require to much energy. you feel numb, weak, unwilling to do anything at all. 

you lay on this table, closing your eyes, seeing Alex's face, her blood. opening your eyes and seeing the empty space where she should be. 

you wish they would just knock you out. 

you're crying again. hot tears, your entire body wracked with sobs. you don't know what to do, who to seek comfort from in this. not with what you've done. 

killed Alex. 

you feel sick, turn your head to be sick not all over your chin. 

there's a louder exchange outside. 

you break the restraints, easily, again. sit up, fold over yourself and slip into the floor. it's easier to be sick down here, on the floor. 

the door opens. 

you bury your head in your knees. 

"kara, kara it's okay." 

your entire body stills. the world seems to shift into slow motion. you feel your heartbeat slow, you look up, and 

it's impossible. 

Alex standing there, kneeling to your level. 

her eyes are red rimmed, she's got a bruise on her cheek. her hands are shaking, are those cuff marks on her wrist? it can't be real. _she_ can't be real. 

it occurs to you that you've lost it. that killing Alex broke your mind. 

and if that's true, you want it to stay broken. 

"you're not real." you say, voice hoarse. 

she nears you, putting a hand on your knee "i'm real." she promises. 

you shake your head, furious tears rolling down your cheeks "you were in there. i killed you. you can't be here." 

her hands are on your quaking shoulders. Alex is pulling you into her arms and your body will not stop her. 

you melt against her, collapsing into her grasp. 

"I'm here." she says, over and over again, whispering it against your hair. 

you hear the steady beating of her heart, you focus on it until all you hear is a reminder of her survival. she stops speaking at some point, just holding you close. pressing you against her, holding you tight as you grip her. 

you do not want to let her go. part of you fears that if you do, that if you pull yourself away, she will disappear. that you will be left clutching at air, cold and alone in a world without Alex. 

there is no rush. Alex does not hurry you, she doesn't do anything other than sit here on the floor. you are all but curled in her lap now, the quaking has slowed, but your hold on her is the same. 

bruising. 

she doesn't complain. 

Alex speaks, finally, quiet words, soft words "you need rest." she says. 

you need a lot of things. 

you need her here, by your side. you need to know that kal is alive, recovering. you need to erase the images of alex raising a needle to your veins. you need to forget what it felt like to kill your sister.

you need Alex. 

[how do you explain what happened in kal's mind? how it was alex not alex who tortured you. how it was you who stabbed alex not alex and thought it was your sister. it makes your head spin] 

the words won't come out, all you have left are choked noises and strangled sounds that Alex soothes away. 

"i've got you." she says, with as much certainty and promise as you have ever heard from her "i'm going to pick you up." she says, waiting for your exhausted nod.

Alex carrying you makes you feel small. it makes you feel safe and secure, and right now, where your memories are a minefield, you need this. she carries you through the halls, the silence of the deo pressing down, her footsteps, and her heart-rate, are all you hear. 

you are exhausted, more than you were prepared for, for sleep is all you can think of, but it is also what you fear. the dreams, the nightmares which will haunt you mercilessly. 

"it's going to be okay." you hear her say, in a whisper only for you. 

at the edge of your attention, someone else in the room. whatever room she brings you to. you assume it's maggie. Alex would never be this delicate with you around anyone else. 

her hand is gentle in yours for a moment, she does not try to coax you into opening your eyes, instead she moves around you. you assume radiation lamps, you feel her hands at your hair, smoothing it to down. 

"j'onn wants your brainwaves monitored." Alex explains, as the familiar sensation of the pads attach to your temples, to your forehead. 

she keeps you calm throughout, and when you finally open your eyes, the light of the lamps makes her merely a shadow beyond. and perhaps it is this which scares you. her shadow moving, the glint of a needle, of a syringe catching the light. it's presence registers as she's about to press it against the soft flesh of your elbow. 

you jerk away. 

it's more violent than you anticipate, but in the blink of an eye you're being tortured again. it is alex not alex standing before you, a syringe in her hand. you brace for the pain, for the oncoming eternity of agony. 

it does not come. 

instead, Alex's voice. 

at first you hear nothing but the sounds of her words through the haze of memory. then they rise, calm and steady 

"we're okay. i'm not letting you lock her away again" she is saying, speaking biting, angry words to someone else "trust me." again, to this other person. 

breathing is hard. coming back to the present is harder. but the room swims into focus. 

you see chaos, lamps off, askew. the syringe shattered. wires from your head hang off the table untethered. you see figures by the door, j'onn, maggie, they're hostile. 

but through it all is Alex. 

she is nearest to you, her hands are up in surrender. 

"you're okay." she says, unafraid to meet your gaze "do you know where you are?" 

you force the words out "the deo." 

it's more of a mumble, but Alex has always understood you best. 

"do you know who i am?"

of course you know, you will always recognize her "Alex." you say, your voice hoarse, her name is a freedom in your chest. 

she takes a step closer, lowering her hands "can i hold your hand?. 

you hate that she had to ask for that. you hate that she has to wait for your permission to take your hand. 

"sorry." you say quietly, looking away "did i hurt you?" 

she gives a soft laugh "it takes more than that to hurt me." Alex reminds you. 

you wonder about the bruise on her cheek. 

"kara," Alex says quietly "where'd you go?" 

you take a deep breath, you don't want to do this with others in the room - regardless of what you'll have to do later - right now you barely want to tell this to Alex. 

you don't want to have to bear the truth of what happened in kal's head. 

but 

she turns away, to those still lingering "we'll be okay." 

you're not so sure about that, but you trust Alex. and even with your recent lashing out, somehow she trusts you. 

"i want her brain activity monitored for twenty four hours." you hear j'onn say firmly. 

Alex says something in return, but you don't hear it. maggie might speak as well, but the nerves welling up have captured you. 

you're scared. 

you are genuinely scared to tell Alex what the ikuzus did to you. for both in fear of having to relive what they did, but perhaps more, you don't want to see the horror on her face, the realization as to why you shied away from her touch. 

the doors are closed, the silence of a midnight emptied deo is soothing. it keeps you calm as you sit up, as Alex helps you sit up. there will be a time for the monitoring, for the tests she wants to run - 

now is not that time. 

Alex sits next to you on the table, her hand covering yours where you lean on it. 

"they can't hurt you." Alex says quietly, definitely "you killed them, clark is okay." 

you killed them. 

you close your eyes. 

you killed Alex. 

[alex not alex you remind yourself]

they made you thrust a blade between the ribs of your sister. 

you're shaking, at first you don't even realize it, only when Alex has her arm wrapped around your shoulders, soothing you. 

"it was you." you cry, eyes slammed shut, but tears falling anyway "the leader, it looked like you. i-i had to kill you." 

you remember all that happened to you. the way your back was torn apart, your veins ravaged. you were all but powerless there, forced to watch as someone who looked like your sister enjoyed torturing you. 

how do you tell her that? 

how do you tell her about the fraction of pleasure you took in killing her? 

it wasn't her. it wasn't her. 

your head hangs, your body, mind, still trying to process what has happened to you. the trauma may not have left scars upon your back, but mentally you are in shreds. sitting here, now, you feel the adrenaline rush of surviving, of Alex alive, fading, you are falling, falling fast. 

Alex hasn't said anything, or if she has her words have been lost to you. she is holding you again, as if it is the only thing she knows how to do when you are this shattered. you are breathing in shallow rasps, your swimming in this space, vision blurred, the only reason you haven't retreated to a quiet, safer place, is Alex. 

through it all, through what the ikuzus tried to do to you, they couldn't break this bond. not with the dying action of the leader being to die as the imposter, die as alex not alex. but even that could not break you two. not when it comes to the innate trust you have in Alex, in her capacity to protect you. 

they have scarred you, that much you know. but she is your sister, she is the one who stays when everyone else would lock you away for monitoring. she is the one who trusts your mind, even when it makes you uneasy. 

when you have no more tears, she kisses your forehead, she talks quietly of the tests j'onn wants done. 

you think of the syringe. 

you know you must comply, you must let this Alex draw blood from your veins while she still can. she can tell it makes you nervous, she runs a hand down your arm and know you she will wait. she would stand here all night if she had to. 

she probably will, as long as you're here, she will be too. 

you bite your lip, hard enough to draw blood. Alex sets the syringe down, even the noise makes you jump. 

"his tests can wait." she says, and there something bitter in her voice, something you can't quite place yet 

you watch as she sets up the leads around your crown again. feel them sit there, hear the scratch of needle across paper as it tracks your brain activity. you let Alex do her other tests, she doesn't usually explain what she's doing unless you ask. 

tonight she explains anyway. 

before every test, taking your pulse, checking your eyes, muscle reflex. she explains the purpose of it all. and she does not pick up the syringe again. 

when she's done, when there are thumbprints of darkness under eyes, she squeezes your hand "I'll be right back." she says, even though it's clear she loathes to leave you. 

you nod, daring finally to close your eyes. 

"i love you." she murmurs, hand leaving yours. 

you mumble it back, exhaustion claiming you finally. 

\-- 

when you awaken next, it is with a start and a gasp. the nightmare fades as quickly as it seized you, and your surroundings come into focus. there is a pillow under your head, another exam table next to you, and between the two, Alex. 

she's asleep across two chairs. a jacket draped across her front, head tipped back. you hear her snoring lightly. Alex is facing you, but next to her, on the adjacent table is kal. like you, he has a halo of wires around his head, but unlike you he has no pillow. he's restrained to the table. he looks pale, and even though Alex has told you he's okay, he doesn't look it. 

you would go to him, if the leads attached to your head were long enough to allow it. instead you're kept only to the table, allowed to sit up slowly, to feel your body protesting the hours upon an unforgiving surface. 

you hear a quiet shift and see Alex stir, she opens her eyes as the jacket slides onto the floor. reaching for it blindly, she looks up at you, smiling softly "hey," she stands up. 

your body tenses upon instinct. the nightmares may have gone, but the memories are still left. 

you hate them. 

Alex pauses, sensing your tension and saying quietly "do you know where you are?" 

you nod "safe." you tell her "you're my sister." 

you say that for your benefit as much as her own.

with a hand, you reach for her. you watch her take your hand "why is he restrained?" you gesture to kal. 

"he's confused." Alex says "isn't sure if this is real, or still in his head. he's lashed out. even without his powers, he can still injure." 

"he doesn't have his powers?" you look back to kal, wondering if that's why something just seems wrong. 

Alex shakes her head "it's going to take a long time for him to recover." she says "but he should make a full recovery." 

you're not sure about that. 

you're not sure you'll make a full recovery, not after what happened on the battleground of his mind. 

"you saved him." Alex assures you 

you nod numbly, knowing you have to tell Alex more. she has to know, she had to understand why you're afraid of her. of her shadow. 

"they used kryptonite," you tell her, "to torture me." you swallow hard "it was some sort of liquid and you - you injected it into my veins." 

there's a drawn out pause. 

"me?" Alex says carefully 

you can't look at her, but you go on "they knew, from kal's mind, how much i love you, trust you. every time they hurt me, the ikuzus looked like you." 

"what did i do?" Alex asks you, voice shaking. 

you look at her "it wasn't you." it's the first time you've said that out loud, it feels different, when you need her to believe it. 

"you jump when i try to touch you." Alex says, her voice is still shaking, she can't look at you. 

you reach for her hand again "Alex," you say firmly "look at me." 

it takes an age. but when she does her eyes are bright with tears "i tortured you." she says, voice wet. 

"it wasn't you." and this second time you say it, something feels stronger in your chest. 

still fragile, but less like it could shatter at any given moment. 

she looks away. you know there are tears falling and you know you hate having done this. but she needed to know. she had to understand. and she has to understand further, you must respect her questions, give her the answers she needs to wrap her head around what you witnessed. 

it's the only way to heal. 

it's the only way for either of you to heal. 

so you tell her, with careful words, of all they did to you inside kal's mind. it isn't easy, to relieve the graphic ways they caused you very real pain. 

by the end of it you're both crying, Alex refusing to look at you, refusing to touch you. this is the Alex you know, the one - so horrified with with these actions she doesn't know how to be around you. 

"Alex," you say and her name crosses the void between you like a bridge "Alex it wasn't you." 

she shakes her head "part of you is scared of me." Alex says, and her words carry the weight of her world collapsing. 

she has always been able to protect you, but in this, how can she protect you from herself? you understand, you do, yet having to reassure Alex is reassuring you. it was not Alex. 

it may have looked like her, it may have sounded like her, but it was not your sister. your sister is here, horror struck and grief stricken and it reminds you, it's never been just about Alex protecting you. 

it's always about protecting each other. 

"i love you." you say to her, firmly, with every ounce of yourself behind those words. 

she squeezes your hand, but doesn't speak. you two sit there, in the near silence. you hold her hand, refusing to let go. she has to know you don't fear her. 

you have to know you don't fear her, because as much innate trust as there is between you, there is still a stripe of fear that broadens under certain angles. 

"one of the techs will take your blood." Alex says, still looking away. 

it's a good a plan as any and you ask, "how much longer do i have to be here?" 

Alex looks up, you see her pushing emotions down, running a hand through her hair "another ten hours." she says quietly "and that's just for the monitoring on your brain." 

you sigh, shaking your head "i want to go home." you tell her quietly "i can't -" you take a breath "i can't relax." 

"as soon as j'onn says it's okay." 

you nod, see her look away, the bruise across her cheek has bloomed into deeper colors "how did that happen?" 

you watch her visibly tense, casting her mind back to the memory, whatever it may be. 

"you were screaming." Alex says, looking away from you, "j'onn wasn't convinced it was actually you. thought the ikuzus had -" she stops, shakes her head, rearranges, carries on "i was trying to get to you, but he wouldn't let me. i was dragged from the room. i took out one of the agents, but couldn't get back, so they cuffed me, slammed me into the ground." she gestures to the bruise. 

"and then i got out of them." she says simply "you were still screaming, i knew it was you, that much pain..." she lets the sentence hang "that was you."

she says the words hollowly, like she remembers the nights you woke up, fourteen and caught in the explosion of your planet. 

"i thought I had killed you." you say quietly "i felt your blood on my hands Alex, i," you shake your head. 

"you didn't kill me." 

"it felt like i did."

and perhaps that is the crux of it all, the center of all your pan boils down to the emotions. 

physically you're probably near perfect, but emotionally, mentally, you're a wall of cracked glass waiting for a gust of wind. and there's no amount of sun that can heal you. the fact that you can sit here with Alex at all should be classified as a miracle. the fact that kal is alive, that his mind is his own, is enough to tell you it was worth it. 

but the unanswered question is still, 

at what cost? 

how much of yourself has been sacrificed to save him? 

you don't know. you can't relax enough to even begin to figure it out in the sterile confines of the deo. surrounded by eyes and ears and the very people who care, but also suspect you. 

everyone but Alex. 

you look at her again, she is ragged. you wonder if she's gone home, if she's showered or eaten or any of the things she needs to stay alive. 

probably not. 

"Alex," you say quietly, pulling her from whatever rabbit hole of pain her mind has started down "you should go home." she blinks at you and you can hear her mind working, so you continue "you need sleep, you need a shower." 

she needs to not be here. 

not because you don't want her to be, but for as little as you can relax in the deo, Alex can relax even less. you know she has been on high alert since you fight with kal, you know her body is aching for rest, for the chance to calm down and process. 

"i can't move for ten hours." you remind her "after that," you meet her gaze "after that I'm going to need you." 

you don't know what comes next, questions and scrutiny and more this you have the energy to face alone.

"Alex," you say, frowning "has something else happened?" 

she sighs, looking at kal "after what happened in metropolis, people are scared, afraid." 

"of me." 

"they want to understand what happened, and they want to know they'll be safe." she looks back to you "there's a line of people out the door who want to talk to you. who want to do tests. the army, the cia, the president." you stiffen and Alex sighs "j'onn and lucy are fending them off, but I'm not sure how long he can and - and if they do anything, i'm going to be here." 

you lay back down, letting out a long breath. 

"I'm not a danger." you say "neither is kal." 

"i know that, but people died because of what happened." she explains carefully "the public needs answers." 

"he's suffered enough." you say "and he isn't even awake yet." 

"i know." Alex says quietly "and I don't want people taking advantage of my absence. so i'm staying." 

"won't maggie be waiting?" 

"she got called to a scene." Alex says '"j'onn wasn't happy she came." 

you frown "she's basically one of us." 

"she isn't deo." 

"i trust her more than I trust the agent who cuffed you." you say defiantly.

"maggie was the one who backed me up when i got out of them." 

"exactly." you say, reason enough to trust her. 

"it hasn't given her any points with j'onn." 

you close your eyes "it's hard to find people who can understand, who get what we do. maggie seems like she gets it." 

"i think she does." 

you can hear Alex smile, and that is enough to let you try to sleep. or try to fend off the nightmares and let your mind begin to recover, try and find which way is up. 

you know Alex will be here, when you wake up, through your resting, watching the monitors, keeping the government at bay. 

j'onn may be the director, lucy may be a director, but Alex is the brick wall between you and a world that is afraid of you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my dudes, thank you to everyone who commented on the last chapter it made my day. and to everyone who read this one, thank you for sticking with it and trusting me. i'm not killing anyone in my fics, that's just the rules. 
> 
> also, this story came to exist because of the opening scene of this chapter. i wanted to write that moment and so all the words before and after it are a result of my desire to put kara through some hell. so, there you have it. 
> 
> thank you as always.


	6. not technically untrue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you think about over reactions and the army trying to restrain you.

when the outside world comes crashing through the doors it's with lucy lane at the helm. she's director of the deo and human, so when dealing with the fear that's swept the nation, her face is a better one to present to the people. you're glad to see her. 

kind of.

you remember Alex is cuffs. Alex being dragged away at lucy's command and they're not fond memories. you worry that now will be that time. 

where the now is a present free of tracked brainwaves and unrelenting metal tables. instead, you're sitting by kal's side, Alex sitting by yours. 

[somewhere in the building maggie is getting coffees, water - intent it seems to make sure alex stays hydrated] 

[you too, but her attention is on alex] 

the doors slide open and Alex is the first to turn - it isn't maggie who walks in. then Alex standing. shifting so between you and lucy and the posse of people accompanying her stands Alex. arms folded. 

"Alex," lucy is saying, and you recognize an attempt to placate when you hear it "it's an executive order." 

you know that means you have no choice. 

that Alex has no choice. 

Alex does not move aside. she probably doesn't even blink "what's the order?" she asks, tone even, cool. 

"supergirl is to comply with testing to prove that she is of her own mind." 

"i am," you say "of my own mind." 

a man in an army uniform grunts, shakes his head. Alex is wound tight, coiled like a spring. 

lucy looks directly to you "then the tests won't take long." 

"she's not leaving the deo." Alex says "and i'm present for all tests." 

"actually," the man who grunted says "you're going to be giving a statement, outlining exactly what happened here. no one from the deo is allowed near the subject." 

you don't like him. 

you don't like this situation, but also, 

you're thinking about tests. you're thinking about Alex, about the ikuzus and what they did to you. you think about over reactions and the army trying to restrain you. 

you think about hurting someone. 

maybe Alex shouldn't be there. 

"i'm not deo." maggie voice comes from behind the group. 

they seem to part as maggie walks through, she hands a coffee to alex, a water to you "i'm not deo." she repeats. 

"who are you then?" the grunt asks 

"ncpd liaison, someone with just as much a vested interest in supergirls mental state as you." 

not technically untrue. 

"a neutral party." lucy says "to supervise the testing." 

you wouldn't define maggie as a neutral party, but you're also not the one saying the words. Alex hesitates, perhaps it's for show. to aid in the lie that maggie is a neutral party. then she nods. 

"okay. detective sawyer oversees all tests."

"supergirl will come immediately." the grunt says, and you can tell he's prepared for a fight, the way his hands twitch to the cuffs at his belt. 

you stand slowly. 

alex's hand is on your back and you know she's trying to find words of comfort. instead she looks to maggie, more words on her tongue. 

maggie beats her to them "don't worry agent danvers." she says, the words deliberate. 

you know alex will. 

you're crossing the space, and to be fair, lucy doesn't look thrilled. you can read the tension across her face and you can only imagine the pressure she's been under to produce you. to summon you for testing. 

the fact that it took an executive order means she fought hard. 

you've got to respect that. you do respect that. 

leaving the room, maggie is a shadow by your side. 

you can hear her heart beating, you can hear her swallow. 

in front of you is the grunt, around you - six men boxing you in. two in front, two behind, one on either side. it makes you feel like a criminal, like you're dangerous. 

you take deep breaths, calming yourself. 

you're okay.

you're okay. 

your mind is yours. 

you're lead into a room, opaque glass walls and a distinct lack of deo presence. 

"you'll change into these." 

the grunt produces grey scrubs. 

you nod. taking them, waiting. 

waiting.

you stare him down, waiting for him to connect the dots. 

then he does "you have two minutes." 

the men leave the room, guns and all. maggie starts to leave, but you touch her arm. she stills. 

the door closes. 

you take a deep breath, starting to remove yourself from the supergirl suit. maggie is politely looking away. you fold it, hand it to her "they don't get that." you say 

"of course." she nods 

you swallow, look down "this could end badly." you admit quietly 

there's hesitation and then "why?" 

and you knew, know, you have to explain. with whatever time you have left to this private moment you have to explain that you were tortured. that you were hurt and jabbed and whipped and you feel like at any given moment you could explode into a thousand pieces and just be back _there._

when you finish, you're shaking in scrubs too large for you. 

when you finish maggie puts a hand on your arm "i've got you supergirl." she says quietly, meeting your gaze. 

it's a promise. [to you, to Alex] 

the door opens, you stiffen, maggie crosses her arms over her chest. you don't know what to expect from these people. 

"my name is commander iverson." the grunt says, producing a box "given recent event's you'll forgive me for asking you to put on these." 

he produces cuffs from said box. they're not krptonite, but they look sturdy, they look tough. they look like the man doesn't trust you. 

"actually," maggie says "she won't." 

iverson looks to maggie "you're here to witness. "

"i'm here to make sure you don't overstep." maggie says "and supergirl has been of no threat to you. there's no need to restrain her." 

maggie stares iverson down. 

iverson is staring right back. 

"fine." iverson says, putting the cuffs back into the box "consider it a good faith gesture." 

good faith. 

right.

you're too exhausted for this.

too wound up. 

you want it to be over. 

"this is a needle." iverson says, producing a case and setting it on the table, flipping it open "it's laced with krytonite so it can puncture your skin." 

you stiffen. 

"we will be drawing blood." 

you present a forearm. 

you close your eyes. you take deep breaths, you think about movie night, about how you thought the mugger was going to be the worst of your problems. now this. you keep thinking about movie night, about inside out and how it made you want to go ice skating. but it's summer in the city and ice skating is long, long months away. 

you could always just go to the south pole. 

you're rambling, chasing thought after thought, anything to remove you from the present. 

it doesn't work. 

you still let out a hiss and a gasp when the needle punctures your skin. you feel a hand steadying your forearm and when you open your eyes you see a tech eyeing you, and maggie's hand resting on your bicep. 

"you're good." she says 

"squeamish?" iverson asks, smirking. 

you nod, let's go with that. 

they fill three vials, then the needle is withdrawn. 

your body starts the healing at once. maggie's hand leaves your bicep and there's silence. 

"remove the detective from the room." iverson commands. 

"don't -" maggie starts, but four against one aren't great odds and you stand up. 

you position yourself between maggie and the four men advancing. you're not going to hurt them, but you don't like the look on iverson's face. you really don't like the look of what else is sitting in the case. 

"she's not going anywhere." you say firmly "you can do whatever tests you want. but she stays." 

you need her in the room you realize, you need a friend. 

"they won't be pleasant." iverson warns 

you know that means pain. 

"she stays." you reiterate. 

"if you attempt to interfere i'll arrest you for treason." iverson warns maggie. 

maggie seems like she's biting back a comment of her own and instead just says "understood." 

iverson moves to the case and pulls out a thin metal circulate. he hands it to a tech and you try not to stiffen as it's put on. it slips over your head, a crown you never wanted. 

you get the feeling that parts of the government have been waiting for this day. an excuse to poke you and prod you. see what hurts, see what gets your blood going. 

you know this is going to hurt, even as iverson says "all you need to do is stay still." 

"what is this for?" maggie asks 

"checking her brain." 

he presses a button and the pain is immediate. it feels like it's _in_ your head, not just around it. it feels like fire and the sound, you don't think anyone else can hear it so high pitched as it is, but god 

your knees shake. 

your knees give out. 

theres noise, words you don't process. you can't. your hands press against the tile floor and you want to rip this off, you want to rip it off and tell them you're not doing anymore. but you can't. you must last. 

you must keep going. 

ten seconds. 

you're gasping, you can't breath. 

fifteen. 

twenty. 

it stops. 

you take a deep breath, you're muscles are slow to respond but you stand, leaning back heavily against the desk. it's only then that you realize maggie has two guns leveled at her. you image the chaos was maggie's disapproval at the proceedings. she's watching you now, scanning you. 

you take off the circlet, hand it back to iverson. you're not giving him the satisfaction of conceding anything. collapsing to the floor may have been involuntary, but that's all he's getting. 

you stand there, determined not to give in to this man. 

he sets the circlet back in the foam lined case. 

"the concern we have supergirl," he says, with an air that he's explaining something very important "is that your cousin went on a rampage with no warning. he killed fourteen people. injured dozens more. the legal ramifications alone -" he stops himself, "that's not really your concern, what is your concern is the public trust in you. right now, there is none. they, we, believe that at any moment you could erupt into a violent attack upon the helpless of the city. director lane says that the threat was neutralized, but failed to give any details. perhaps you could enlighten us." 

you take a deep breath "the threat, was alien." you start "a species called the ikuzus. in this atmosphere their physical form is more, ameba like. they overtake by entering the brain, they took over supermans brain. had total control. i went into his mind, found and killed their leader. that killed the rest of them." 

"you 'went into his mind'?" 

you nod "there's an agent who can explain how that worked if you'd like." 

you're tired. 

"i'd prefer to hear it from you." iverson presses. 

you sigh. 

"it's called a mind meld." you say "the ikuzus created a delusion inside supermans mind. i entered that, killed their leader. then brought superman out of the delusion and back into full control of his body." 

"how did you kill their leader." 

you think of alex. 

you think oh warm, human blood on your hands. 

their last trick, their last stand - to haunt your shadows for the rest of time with that memory. 

"i stabbed them, with a scalpel." you force out.

"just like that?" 

no, not really, but you're not going to divulge days of torturing to this man "to identify the leader wasn't easy." you say "it took time."

"how did you know you were stabbing the right alien?" 

"i didn't." 

"so you guessed." 

"i took what i knew about the species and applied it to the interactions i'd witnessed while in the delusion." you say, feeling a ripple start and knowing you should stop now, but you can't "i killed their leader, removing the threat to superman or myself." you physically bite your tongue, just to stop. 

"personally," iverson says "i think we should lock you away and throw out the key. however, the president seems to have a soft spot for aliens. for now. but, do half of what your cousin did and places like cadmus will be the least of your worries." 

you stiffen, maggie stiffens. 

"are there any other tests you'd like to run?" you ask, voice tight. 

"just one question," iverson says, and there's a flurry of motion, of activity so quick you barely catch it and 

you end up with a gun to your head. 

maggie is somewhere to your left, ncpd issue weapon out, safety off and pointed at iverson. in return she's got two guns pointed at her again, but if maggie's bothered, she doesn't say it. or maybe she is, but your hearing has narrowed so all you can focus on is iversion. his breathing. his heart rate. the dryness in his mouth.

"why shouldn't i just shoot you?" iverson says "i have permission to eliminate any threat to the nation." 

"would shooting me make you feel better?" you ask calmly. 

far more calmly than you feel - but this is exhaustion coming into play.

you haven't had a chance to relax and maybe, maybe if someone shoots you they'll feel better. maybe people will calm down enough to let you go home and get some actual rest. 

"excuse me?" iverson says, confused. 

"everyone," you gesture around "no one trusts me." 

not true. 

but still. 

"but i've always been as powerful as i am right now. i've always had the potential to be dangerous. and what superman did is a terrible, terrible thing. but i'm not superman." you say "and the aliens that took over his body, they're gone - dead. i killed them." 

you take a deep breath. 

"you want to know who's side i'm on, we're on the same side." 

iverson scoffs. 

"you may not believe it, but we both want to keep earth safe, we both want to keep people alive. you just believe that that also means keeping them safe from people like me. aliens." you say "and not all aliens are good. but not every alien wants to hurt people. and me," you meet his gaze "i want to help people. i want to save people. i've done it before, and i'll do it again." you say. 

you're just so tired. 

"but," you say, "if shooting me will make you feel better, do it. but i won't feel it and you know that. you've got all that fancy equipment and yet you pull a gun on me." 

iverson keeps his gun level with your head for long, long beats. you're staring steadily at him.

"well?" you ask, say.

he puts the gun down. 

the room relaxes. 

"we're done here." iverson says, and those are the last words he speaks to you. 

not so much as a nod. 

you walk out. waiting for iverson and his men to disappear from view. you stalk past the medical bay where kal is "supergirl," maggie is saying "supergirl wait." 

you're not waiting. 

you can't. 

you go down, down, until you're at the room where the ai of your mother rests. you go in. 

maggie doesn't follow. 

the doors slide shut behind you and the darkness is welcome. you don't turn the hologram on, you just let out a cry - anger, frustration, exhaustion, it hits you all now. these people, like iverson, they will never trust you. it will never matter how many lives you save, how many buses you pull from collapsing bridges or fires you put out. to them you're still an alien. to them you will never belong. 

you never have belonged. 

not supergirl. 

kara danvers barely belongs, but that's because it's been nearly thirteen years of hard work. of trying not to slip up. of practicing and hiding and 

you're just. so. tired. so tired of fighting for a balance you don't think you'll ever get. 

you move to the platform, not needing a mother who will never understand, a mother who condemned you to living this life. instead you sit, cross legged, arms loosely around your knees. you cry. 

you cry because of what you've gone through, what you haven't been able to process.

torture and pain and stabbing your sister. 

torture and pain and the us army enjoying it. 

the very people who you've worked beside for months, unable to trust you. 

you can't.

you feel lost. knowing that there's a city out there that will fear you. this is worse than starting over. this is negative starting over. beyond it. people will fear you, your cape in the sky will not be a welcome sight. 

[it's a bird, it's a plane, it's supergirl - oh shit] 

but that's not what hurts the most. 

what hurts the line you crossed. 

killing.

you've taken a life. 

even a life that threatened to end kal, end you, is still a life. 

you were supposed to better than that. 

but you're not. 

not anymore. 

a city that doesn't trust you. a life you took. a sister who thinks she's betrayed you because of actions she's not responsible for. 

you're still crying. 

drowning. 

the doors slide open behind you. 

you listen, know Alex's heartbeat but don't turn around. 

the doors slide shut and the only sounds are your sobs and Alex's breathing. you hear her, feel her sit next to you, but she doesn't touch. 

as much as you know she wants to.

she waits. 

she waits for you to look up at her with bright, red rimmed eyes, your cheeks are damp, and you try and find the words, but all you can do is splutter. choke on air and gesture that you can't. 

you can't. 

it's too much. 

it's all just too much. 

Alex moves, slowly at first so you have time to see her actions. she wraps an arm around your shoulders, she pulls you close, lets your tears drip down onto her shirt, she's got you. 

the world doesn't make sense, not right now, 

but she's got you. 

\-- 

you're home. 

your apartment. 

technically and specifically you're in bed. 

you don't quite remember how you got here. flashes of Alex carrying you, Alex declaring in a hushed voice that she's taking you home. Alex daring anyone to challenge her. 

[no one did] 

you don't remember the drive home, or being carried up the stairs. you don't think you even dreamt. you were just, gone. now you just feel groggy, sitting up and wiping sleep from your eyes. you try and gauge the time by the darkness, but you have to look at a clock eventually and you see that it's late, eleven pm.

what day, you've got no idea. 

right now you don't care.

you want a shower, you want food.

your feet hit the rug and you take a breath, wishing for a half second that your looked at beat as you feel. but this has always been your way, hiding and masking and showing the world that you're totally 

_fine._

when you're not. 

you walk down the hall, to the kitchen. there's the glowing of a tv, the murmur of late night voices. you see one, two figures on the couch and honestly, you're not alarmed. you recognize maggie, sitting mostly up, half paying attention to the tv. it's weird, her sitting in your apartment.

or it should be weird. 

but it isn't. 

you get closer and see Alex sprawled across maggie, tucked against her. it doesn't look like the most comfortable position, but it also looks like Alex has been crying, was crying. it looks like maggie had a hand stroking down Alex back and a hand in her hair. the hand on Alex's back hasn't moved, the other mutes the tv with a flick of the remote. 

"there's food on the stove." she says and you expect a pile of take way boxes. 

but that's not what you see. 

instead, an army of pots and pans. 

you look back to maggie "you punch concrete when you're stressed," she says quietly "i cook." 

you nod, still not quite having the words to stress your the magnitude of your appreciation. not just for what she's done by cooking, or for coming with you when iverson had his way. no, it's what she's done - is doing, will continue to do, for Alex. 

coming here, not because you need monitoring, but for Alex. 

you can only imagine.

you get out three plates, fill each of them with food. the first plate gets mostly rice and chicken in some sort of dark sauce that smells spicy and amazing. the second is entirely potstickers that you know weren't hand made, but were hand put into a pan. and the third is vegetables. you don't normally eat this many green things, but they're there and they look amazing - sautéed green beans with a little garlic and butter, and brussel sprouts with bacon? 

you aren't sure how long you've been out, or who went grocery shopping, but you're immensely grateful. 

and the food is as amazing as it looks. 

you notice maggie eyeing the three plates and then, as time goes on, eyes getting wider and wider until there are three empty plates and maggie goes quietly 

"i thought Alex was kidding." 

you shake your head. 

when it comes to food Alex rarely kids. 

[which actually isn't true, she kids frequently and only because she knows at the end of the joke you're still getting the last potsticker] 

"how long was i out?" you ask, dishes washed and drying. 

"nearly twenty four hours." maggie replies, looking across to where you've taken a seat "how do you feel?" 

you shake your head. 

you're not ready to feel anything. 

"i need a shower." you say instead, standing "i'm going to do that." 

then you pause, ask "i can carry Alex to my bed, if you want. you can sleep there too. if you want." 

"that would be," maggie says, considering, nodding "are you sure?" 

you nod. 

you don't think you're going to be sleeping any time soon. 

"you take your shower," maggie says "i've got Alex." 

you pause, then nod, heading down the hall on muted footsteps. you go into your room, get clean clothes for yourself, pull out two pairs of alex's pajamas 

[she has a drawer here, that's just how it goes] 

and leave them on the bed. 

you also pull out an extra few pillows and blankets and set them on the bed because even exhausted Alex is still a massive blanket hog. not that maggie probably isn't aware. but it's good to be prepared. 

you walk over to the bathroom, and while you're in the hall you see maggie leading a very sleepy, perhaps still mostly asleep alex down the hall. framed by the light of the tv, they're both shadows, darkened faces, and it's a moment you want to remember. it warms you, a bit of hope in the wake of everything else. 

Alex sees you, reaches and pulls you into a hug "i love you." she mumbles.

you return the hug, resting against her for a moment "i love you too." then add "maggie's a really good cook." 

Alex laughs, then you're pushing her into the bedroom. you give them privacy, closing the bathroom door, turning the shower on as hot as it can go. 

you stand under the spray for what feels like an hour. you wash your hair, your body, your face. you scrub until you feel clean. until, if it could, your skin would be red and raw and god, 

you want to hurt.

you wish you could hurt because maybe then all of the emotions inside of you would have somewhere to go. instead, with no viable outlet in that department, you're left with them. 

you cut the tap, towel off, dress in your comfiest pajamas and emerge from the bathroom feeling, at the very least, clean. you glance across the hall, at open bedroom door. you walk in, put what you were wearing in the laundry basket, hazard a glance at the bed and see them intertwined there. 

it makes you ache, 

makes you wish for that. 

the comfort of being around someone else. someone who can really understand you.

you think of james. 

it makes your heart ache. 

you think of, for half a moment, lena. 

she's mostly a mystery and your stomach just twinges. you don't know what it means, you don't have the energy to think about it - you just know that there's really no one on the planet who can understand you. 

not all of you. 

not even kal, who should have been it.

but he's not. 

you move to the couch, another plate piled high with food. this one gets nibbled on slowly as you pull up netflix, start watching stranger things because you're already going to have nightmares, so might as well take advantage of it. 

it's more or less a mistake.

you finish the series by the time the sun is coming up. there's the sounds of footsteps coming down the hall and you look to see Alex. she heads first for the coffee machine, turning it on and then coming to sit by you.

"how do you feel?" you ask 

"like i need more sleep." she admits "how about you?" 

you've been thinking. ducking your eyes behind your hands at stranger things, left you with a lot of time to think. 

"do you remember when i first got to earth and i couldn't control my powers?" 

Alex nods "you were overstimulated." she says.

[you wonder if she's thinking about the holes in your bedroom wall, the smoldering remains of an nsync poster she'd given you. or the bruises spread across her ribs when you hugged her too hard. or, or, or - your first few months, years, on earth were spent with a quiet wave of destruction in your wake]

"i feel like that," you say "but from the inside out." 

"you went through a trauma." she says "multiple trauma's. it's okay to not be okay." 

you swallow hard "i just don't know how to try and feel okay again." 

"there's no magic switch." Alex says gently "just time, and letting people help you." 

"i don't even know what i need help in." you admit 

"when you first got here," Alex says "and you were overstimulated, what did we do?" 

"there were the glasses." you say "the headphones, to block out the sounds." 

Alex nods "and then one day at a time you worked on controlling them, on figuring out how to make them strengths. you do it like that." 

"we." you say quietly "we do it like that. i needed you then, i know you've got maggie but -" 

"you've got me." Alex promises "maggie too. we'll help kal. we'll find a way to move on." 

move on from killing? from the fact that you're just as vulnerable as kal? that at any given moment all that you've ever worked for and all that you've ever wanted to preserve could be taken. knowing that somewhere, out there in the world is a man - or many men, many people - who want nothing more than to put a krptonite bullet in your brain and leave you for dead. all you've wanted to do is help, to do good and be good and save enough lives so that maybe you'll stop hurting. 

but maybe that's not the reality of a world you can create. 

perhaps there is no moving on, not truly. 

perhaps there will always be the shadows of your past just behind your eyes, flickering and waiting for you to turn out the light. waiting there in the wings to rise up, to consume the parts you let them take. each day, each year, they get a little bit more of your smile. 

how do you move on from this?

you killed. kal killed. you almost lost the only one of your species left in the universe. you will have nightmares about your sister torturing you. you don't think there's moving on from this. 

you don't think there's a way to balance this. how could there be? your life isn't yours. the moment you became supergirl, that was the moment kara danvers lost. 

and you've lost before.

kara zor-el lost out to kara danvers. will supergirl lose out to the anger and pain twisting you, threatening to make you a different person? 

one day at a time Alex says. 

maybe in the grand scheme of things you'll lose. 

but in the grand scheme of one day, 

maybe not. 

maybe every day you work on being supergirl, on being kara danvers, on remembering kara zor-el. maybe moving on doesn't mean forgetting. 

maybe it means something else. 

accepting what happened, letting it become a part of you - but not letting it define you. 

like feeling the explosion of your planet hasn't defined you.

you feel Alex's hand on your shoulder, and you turn to look at her. she is your constant, you realize that now. across every part of you, Alex is there.

when you were kara zor-el and earth was loud and new and terrible. 

when you became kara danvers it was Alex who coaxed you into comfort under that name. 

when you became supergirl, it was for Alex. Alex who was, is in your ear, by your side on every op. 

Alex. 

on your own, perhaps there is no balance. perhaps that, of the things you've learned in the past three days, is what you need to remember. 

on your own there is no balance. on your own you are two parts grief, one part anger. with Alex, because of Alex - you are more. 

and you will be more again. 

[a different sort of more than you were before] 

eventually. 

over time. 

one day at a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cheers to all who gave this story a shot and thank you even more to everyone who kudoed and commented. y'all are the legends.

**Author's Note:**

> no surprise, i have approx. six things to say 
> 
> firstly and as always, thank you so very much for making it to the end of the story - now if you could just give that kudos button a press, or leave a comment you would make this authors entire day. 
> 
> second, this story is already finished, beta'd and ready for posting. as such i will be posting an update every day. now this is once a day for me, and i'm in nz and whatever time zone ao3 runs from is not this one. but look, within six days, you will have the complete story.
> 
> third, i will edit the tags as we go. but if you have any questions, feel free to hit me up on my tumblr, or check the notes at the bottom of the page for a better understanding of the chapter. 
> 
> fourth, this story would not have been finished at all if not for the work of [digging-up-my-castle](http://www.digging-up-my-castle.tumblr.com). please give them a follow on tumblr because the amount of work they put into editing and listening and suggesting was five star. honestly, the reason this story exists as a finished product at all is because of them. 
> 
> fifth, come shout about supergirl with my on my tumblr [onefootone](http://www.onefootone.tumblr.com). 
> 
> sixth, i have not forgotten about my pacifc rim!au, but there is some major renovations happening to the plot and an update has been delayed. so take this in the meantime y'all.


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